Respectful Relationships

Scripture: John 4:5-26

Video Link: https://youtu.be/E2XyyjXWG1M

Structure:

• Introduction
• Value not violence
• Equality not entitlement
• Honesty not humiliation
• Conclusion

Introduction:

Good morning everyone.

Over the past couple of weeks, we have been taking a closer look at some of the values of NZBMS, our Baptist Missionary Society. First we considered the core value of mutual humility, then last week the value of listening. Today we conclude the Renew Together campaign by exploring the value of respectful relationships.

Jesus modelled respectful relationships for us during his earthly ministry. With this in mind, the people at NZBMS have chosen the story of Jesus’ conversation with the Samaritan woman at the well, to help illustrate what a respectful relationship looks like. 

As I read John 4 I noticed three things in this regard. Respectful relationships are characterised by value not violence, by equality not entitlement and by honesty not humiliation. From John chapter 4, verse 4, we read…

⁴ Now he [Jesus] had to go through Samaria. ⁵ So he came to a town in Samaria called Sychar, near the plot of ground Jacob had given to his son Joseph.  ⁶ Jacob’s well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about noon. ⁷ When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, “Will you give me a drink?” ⁸ (His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.) ⁹ The Samaritan woman said to him, “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?” (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.)

May the Spirit of Jesus illuminate God’s word for us.

Value is at the heart of respect. Human beings are intrinsically valuable because God made us in his image. Each one of us is unique, one of a kind. Our lives are precious. Sadly, we have a tendency to forget both the value of others and our own value.

The Jews and Samaritans forgot. There was a terrible history between them. Violence, grudges and abuse were common between the two ethnicities. Around 722 BC the Assyrians invaded northern Israel and deported thousands of Jews, replacing them with settlers from Babylon, Syria and other nations.

These foreigners introduced pagan gods and intermarried with the Jewish people who remained. Their descendants became known as Samaritans. The southern Jews (the people of Judah) felt that the northern tribes had compromised their faith and their covenant with Yahweh and they hated the Samaritans for it.

In 128 BC the Jews destroyed the Samaritan temple on Mount Gerizim. Just over a century later, when Jesus was a toddler, a group of Samaritans dug up some Jewish bones, broke into the Jerusalem temple and scattered the bones in the holy of holies. In retaliation, the Jewish leaders enlisted the Romans to massacre Samaritans on Mount Gerizim.

In John 4, Jesus decided to leave Judea (in the south) and head home to Galilee (in the north). Rather than follow the normal Jewish route, which went out of the way to avoid Samaritan territory, Jesus took a more direct path through the heart of Samaria.

As he was waiting by a well outside the town of Sychar, a Samaritan woman came out to draw water from the well. It was pretty clear that something was amiss.

Normally women came out together (in groups) at the beginning and end of the day to avoid the heat. But this woman was on her own in the middle of the day. She was a social outcast. Nigella no mates. 

Jesus was thirsty and so he asked the woman for a drink. Jesus’ physical thirst here seems to mirror the woman’s spiritual thirst.

Now, to pretty much anyone of that time and culture, Jesus’ request would have seemed to be anything but respectful. The cultural expectation of that time was for Jesus to keep a reasonable distance and ignore the woman. Men were not supposed to talk to women they didn’t know and Jews were not supposed to interact with Samaritans. That was like consorting with the enemy.

Jesus knows this of course, but he is not satisfied with the status quo. Centuries of prejudice and violence has not worked and if what you are doing isn’t working, then more of the same isn’t going to help.

So Jesus tries something different. Jesus starts a conversation with this woman and in the process he shows us what a respectful relationship looks like. Jesus is physically thirsty and the woman is spiritually thirsty, so their mutual thirst provides some common ground for Jesus to start a conversation. 

Now, when we talk about having a conversation in the context of respectful relationships, we need to be clear about what we mean. To build and maintain respectful relationships the conversation needs to be non-violent.

Violence isn’t just physical; it can be verbal as well. People can say things that are unkind or untrue, they can make threats or use an angry tone in an attempt to try and gain control over the other person through fear.

We notice that Jesus does not use violence or intimidation in his conversation. To the contrary, Jesus makes himself vulnerable. By asking the woman for help, Jesus gives the woman a free choice, he gives her power and control in the situation.

She can choose to ignore him or she can choose to help him. If she helps him, Jesus will be in her debt. If she doesn’t help him, she can feel like she did not betray her own people by helping a Jew. Either way she wins.

The woman keeps her options open. She doesn’t give Jesus a drink but she doesn’t ignore him either. Clearly, she is not afraid of Jesus. She hasn’t run away, nor has she felt pressured to do what Jesus said. She is curious and enters into this conversation to find out more.

Understandably, she comes across as a bit defensive, pointing out the obvious differences between them. You are a Jewish man and I am a Samaritan woman. Aren’t you breaking an unspoken code here?

Equality, not entitlement:

¹⁰ Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.” ¹¹ “Sir,” the woman said, “you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water?

The woman still hasn’t given Jesus that drink he asked for, but Jesus does not press his request. There is no male privilege, no sense of entitlement from Jesus. He respects her decision and continues to treat the woman as an equal.

Equality, not entitlement, is one of the characteristics of a respectful relationship. Equality is about being fair and even handed in our dealings with others. Not thinking too highly of ourselves in relation to others. But at the same time not thinking too little of ourselves either.

Equality keeps the door open for people to redeem themselves when they mess up, because we all mess up at some point. We all need a second chance. Jesus held the door of equality open for this woman when no one else would.  

The ‘living water’ Jesus mentions is likely the Holy Spirit. Jesus is speaking in metaphors but the woman takes him literally. In verse 12 she tests Jesus by asking…

¹² Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his livestock?”

We see a little bit of a power play from the woman here. It’s like she is goading Jesus with an insult. A Samaritan woman naming Jacob as their common ancestor would probably aggravate most Jews who considered both Samaritans and women inferior and not worthy of claiming God’s promises through Jacob.

Jesus doesn’t take offence at her comment though. He keeps the door of the conversation open. Jesus doesn’t see any shame in being associated with a Samaritan woman. Jesus treats this woman with fairness, saying...

 ¹³ “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, ¹⁴ but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

That term, eternal life, needs some explanation. Most people, when they hear the phrase, ‘eternal life’, think in terms of time. They think immortality, eternity, life that goes on and on and on forever without end. 

But in the gospel of John eternal life is primarily a reference to a quality relationship with God. A relationship characterised by friendship and intimacy with God. Eternal life is abundant life, life with joy and meaning. Life that we don’t ever want to end.

The opposite of eternal life is loneliness, isolation, alienation, the hell of not being able to trust anyone. By offering this woman the gift of eternal life, Jesus is putting his finger on the deepest longing of this woman’s heart. She has no friends, no intimacy. She is an outcast, treated as unequal, at the bottom of the heap.

Jesus does not force the gift of living water on her, as if he is entitled to decide what is best for her. He holds the door of eternal life open for her. She is free to walk through or not.  

Honesty, not humiliation:

¹⁵ The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.”

It seems she still doesn’t get Jesus’ meaning. She is still thinking literally. Either that, or she is being sarcastic and playing games. Either way, Jesus is determined to keep the relationship respectful. And a respectful relationship is an honest relationship. Things are about to get real…

¹⁶ He told her, “Go, call your husband and come back.” ¹⁷ “I have no husband,” she replied. Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you have no husband. ¹⁸ The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.”

We are not told the back story with these six relationships but it is pretty clear this woman has been through the mill. Whether she is a widow or a divorcee or an adulterer or all three, she is first and foremost a person and she has suffered. Jesus sees her loneliness and thirst and he cares for her. That care includes facing the facts honestly and with grace.   

Honesty is essential to respectful relationships. Honesty is the oxygen of trust. Honesty enables the relationship to breathe. However, our honesty must always be mixed with grace. Pure oxygen will kill you. Honesty is not a license to be cruel or malicious. If our motivation in being honest is to humiliate the other person then we will only end up suffocating trust.

Jesus does not call out the woman’s chequered past to humiliate her. Jesus is seeking to build trust by being honest about himself. Jesus is a prophet but the woman does not yet realise this. If Jesus doesn’t reveal who he is soon, the woman may feel blindsided later. Honesty enables the relationship to breathe.  

Joy Oladokun has a song called Breathe Again. The chorus goes like this…

Am I looking for revival? Am I dressed in others’ sin?

Hold my breath until I’m honest, will I ever breathe again?

Jesus was dressed in others’ sin. He took the blame for things that were not his fault. He was unfairly treated and prejudged. When people need somewhere to put their anger, they often dump it on God. 

This song also reminds me of the Samaritan woman. She may not be perfect but nor can she wear the blame for five husbands by herself. She is, to some extent, like Jesus; dressed in others’ sin.

Her relationship status on Facebook would read, “It’s complicated”. It is difficult for a woman in her position to be honest. When we can’t be honest it’s like we can’t breathe, it creates a pressure in us (like anxiety). And if you can’t be honest, then you can’t be yourself. And if you can’t be yourself, then how can you be in a respectful relationship?

By disclosing that he knew her past, Jesus actually released the woman. Now she was free to be herself with him at least. She didn’t need to pretend. She could be honest at last. She could breathe again.

But honesty is not without risk. Jesus’ insight is cutting a bit close to the bone. The woman doesn’t want to talk about her failed relationships and changes the subject to religion and politics, because for some strange reason that feels safer.

¹⁹ “Sir, I can see that you are a prophet. ²⁰ Our ancestors worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews claim that the place where we must worship is in Jerusalem.”

We New Zealanders don’t like to talk about religion and politics. A respectful relationship for us is one in which conversations about God and government are put aside in favour of talking about the weather and the rugby. But to not talk about what we believe is to not be entirely honest.

Jesus respects the woman’s wish to not talk about her failed marriages but he is still honest in saying what he believes about God…

²¹ “Woman,” Jesus replied, “believe me, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. ²² You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews.  ²³ Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. ²⁴ God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.”

In these verses Jesus is talking about worship and what a respectful relationship with God looks like. With the coming of Jesus, the centuries old feud between Jews and Samaritans over where God should be worshipped is a moot point. It is no longer relevant. All that bloodshed and animosity between the two ethnic groups was pointless.

Jesus replaces the temple building. Through faith in Jesus, God can be worshipped anywhere. What matters now is not where God is worshipped but the Spirit in which God is worshipped. 

²⁵ The woman said, “I know that Messiah” (called Christ) “is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us.”

²⁶ Then Jesus declared, “I, the one speaking to you—I am he.”

Elsewhere in the gospels, Jesus is pretty guarded about his identity. He reveals who he is to his disciples but he doesn’t put himself out there with the crowds or the religious leaders.

Jesus’ honesty in disclosing that he is the Messiah, shows tremendous respect for the Samaritan woman. And the woman does not disappoint Jesus’ trust. She shows him the respect of believing in him and sharing the good news with her neighbours.

Jesus accepts the Samaritans’ offer of hospitality without anxiety of being contaminated by their Samaritan-ness. God looks at the heart, not the outward appearance.

Conclusion:

Respectful relationships are characterised by value not violence, by equality not entitlement and by honesty not humiliation.  So how does this relate to us today?

Well, with so much blood being spilled in the name of God and religion, respectful relationships are needed more than ever between people of different faiths.

In about 30-40 years’ time it is predicted that 64% of the world’s population will be either Christian or Muslim. That means the way Christians and Muslims relate with each is going to have a significant impact on the world. You don’t want two thirds of the world at each other’s throats.

Maintaining respectful relationships with those who are different from us is essential to gospel renewal.

Thinking of your own personal relationships…

Who is it you often find yourself at odds with?

Maybe someone at work or school?

Maybe someone at home or church?

How might that relationship become more respectful?

Now, after hearing how Jesus built a respectful relationship with the Samaritan woman you might think, ‘That’s what I need to do too’. I need to be like Jesus. I need to make myself vulnerable, try and find some common ground, start a conversation, be honest and so on.

Well, maybe. But you also need to exercise wisdom. You can only build a respectful relationship with someone who is willing to be respectful in return. As I said at the beginning, a respectful conversation is a non-violent conversation.  

If the person you are at odds with is abusive, with no interest in a respectful relationship, then making yourself vulnerable with them probably isn’t a smart move. You have to have some respect for yourself as well.

Like Jesus said, “Don’t throw your pearls before swine”. In other words, be discerning. Jesus didn’t tell everyone he was the Messiah. He wasn’t vulnerable with every person he met.

But Jesus did see the value in others and he resisted the urge to violence.

Jesus was fair, he treated people with equality.

And Jesus was always honest, finding that perfect mix of grace & truth.

With the help of Jesus’ Spirit, we can aim for that as well.     

Grace and peace to you on the journey.

Questions for discussion or reflection:

What stands out for you in reading this Scripture and/or in listening to the sermon? Why do you think this stood out to you?

• Why is respect important in relationships?

• What is respect? The sermon mentions three characteristics of respectful relationships (i.e. value, equality and honesty). Can you think of any other characteristics?

• What makes a person valuable? How might we value others?

• What do we mean by equality? Can you think of an example of equality in your own experience? 

• Why did Jesus disclose to the woman that he knew about her past? Why do we need to be honest in our relationships with others? What does honesty do?

• Are your relationships respectful? If not, what needs to change for them to become more respectful? Ask Jesus’ help and guidance with this.