Honour

Scripture: Deuteronomy 5:16

Video Link: https://youtu.be/Lt475BHSMYs

Structure:

• Introduction
• What?
• Why?
• How?
• Conclusion

Introduction:

Good morning everyone.

Many of you of will be familiar with the TV show, The Repair Shop. In The Repair Shop people bring in broken family heirlooms for a team of skilled crafts people to restore.

First the family come in and tell the story behind the item they want repaired. Then the item is worked on, before the family return for the great reveal. Tears inevitably follow.

I like The Repair Shop because it is essentially about redemption. Not only is the object itself redeemed but, at a deeper level, honour is restored.

Time and time again we hear how people are having the item restored to honour a parent or grandparent. The object itself becomes symbolic of the relationship. Restore the broken object and in some way you have honoured the person who gave you the object.

This morning we continue our series in the book of Deuteronomy. You may remember we have been working our way through Moses’ reiteration of the ten commandments. Today we pick up the commandment to honour our parents. From Deuteronomy 5, verse 16 we read…

¹⁶ “Honour your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you.

May the Spirit of Jesus illuminate God’s word for us.

Our message today focuses on three questions in relation to this verse: what, why and how? What is honour? Why do we honour our parents? And how do we honour our parents? First let’s consider what honour is.

What?

In English the term honour is associated with words like esteem, reverence, respect, dignity and integrity. Honour can be a noun (a naming word) or a verb (a doing word). As a verb, honour is about treating someone with respect and it’s about fulfilling our obligations, making good on our commitments. An honourable person does the right thing by themselves and others.

Esteem, respect, dignity, integrity and the like, all fit with the Biblical meaning of honour as well. But there is another nuance to the meaning of honour in the context of Deuteronomy. The Hebrew word for honour (kabbed) means the opposite of curse.

Elsewhere in the law of Moses the command to honour your father and mother is stated negatively and with a punishment. In Leviticus 20, for example, we read: If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death.

Cursing, in this context, does not mean using foul language with your parents (although we should avoid swearing of course). Cursing is the opposite of honouring. To curse means to treat lightly or with contempt. To regard someone of little account. To treat a parent without dignity or without worth. [1]

If cursing one’s parents is the opposite of honouring them, and cursing equates to treating them lightly or with contempt, then to honour your parents is to treat the relationship as a weighty matter, something of great importance. Your parents’ well-being is not to be taken lightly.  

We might look at Leviticus 20, through our 21^st Century western lens and think, ‘Whoa, the death penalty for cursing your parents is a bit harsh isn’t it?’

Well, I don’t think Jesus wants to condemn someone to death for mistreating their parents. Jesus would be looking for a way to redeem that person.

In Luke 15, Jesus tells the parable of the Prodigal Son. When the younger son asked for his share of the inheritance before his father had died, he was basically cursing his father. That was like saying, ‘I wish you were dead’.

To then go away and waste his father’s money on sex, drugs and rock n’ roll was to treat his relationship with his mother and father lightly or with contempt.     

In Jesus’ parable, the father does not kill the prodigal son for cursing him. The father welcomes him with open arms and gives him a place of honour. It is the kindness of God that leads people to repentance.

Having said that, we need to honour the law of Moses by seeking to understand it in its original context.

The commandment to honour your parents was given primarily to adults. Yes, young children are to honour their parents too but we shouldn’t think that every time a small child or a teenager got a bit grumpy with Mum or Dad, they were dragged out to be stoned. No.

The law of Moses was all about protecting the weak and the vulnerable. And, in the context of Deuteronomy 5 the weak and vulnerable are aging parents. Honouring your father and mother is about adult children taking care of their parents, not neglecting them or abusing them.  

Getting old is not easy. It’s tough. It comes with more pain and more challenges. Everything is harder and takes longer. The powers you possessed as a younger person seem to drain away.

The law of the jungle says, ‘Survival of the fittest individual’ and ‘Look out for number one’. But the law of Moses says, ‘No, no. We are all in this together. It’s survival of the kindest community’. The people of God take care of the elderly and infirm.

Okay, so when Moses talks about honouring your parents, what he means is, treat your relationship with your parents as a weighty matter, something of great importance. Don’t take your parents’ well-being lightly. 

Why?

But why should we honour our parents?  Well, the rest of verse 16 gives us two reasons why…

Firstly, because the Lord your God has commanded you.

This means, parents have a God given authority in relationship to their children. God has authorised parents to protect, provide for and teach their young children. Parenting is a sacred responsibility. 

Now let me be very clear. When I say that parents have a God given authority in relationship to their children, I do not mean that parents can do whatever they want where their children are concerned. No.

Parents are not authorised to abuse or neglect their children. They simply have a right to protect, provide for and teach the children God has entrusted to their care. So it is in this context that children have an obligation before God to accept the security and wisdom their parents have to offer.

Maybe, when you were young, your parents did not have the means to provide you with everything you wanted. Maybe you got the cheap jeans instead of the Levis. Maybe you missed out on the overseas trip or the new bike. Honouring your Mum & Dad means appreciating what they were able to provide and not despising them or resenting them for what they could not afford.   

Raising a family is hard work. Most parents are doing the best they can under the circumstances. Unfortunately, we often don’t figure that out until we become parents ourselves.

As our parents get older the relationship changes and the roles reverse so that adult children become responsible for protecting and providing for their elderly parents. This is the right and honourable thing to do.

Jesus was pretty strong on this idea of honouring your parents. In Matthew 15 the religious leaders ask Jesus why his disciples don’t wash their hands and Jesus responds by saying to the Pharisees…

³“And why do you disobey God’s command and follow your own teaching? ⁴ For God said, ‘Honour your father and your mother,’ and ‘If you curse your father or your mother, you are to be put to death.’ ⁵ But you teach that if people have something they could use to help their father or mother, but say, ‘This belongs to God,’ ⁶ they do not need to honour their father.In this way you disregard God’s command, in order to follow your own teaching.

Charity begins at home, as my grandfather used to say.

We are talking about why we should honour our parents. Firstly, because God commands it and secondly (from Deuteronomy 5, verse 16)…

…so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you.

Now, this promise is best interpreted in community terms, not in individual terms. The promise here is not so much long life for each individual child who obeys their parents. It’s more the benefit of social stability for any society in which children generally honour their parents. [2] 

In other words, when we honour our parents it is good for everyone. The family is the basic building block of society. Good family relationships are the glue that hold a society together and enable it to function well.

When large numbers of families break down, so does the fabric of society. But when families function well, looking after each other, society flourishes and the nation as a whole lasts a long time in the land.

If you think about it, taking care of the elderly is your insurance. If you have treated your parents well, your kids will see that and be more inclined to treat you well. What goes around comes around.

So, we honour our parents because God commands it, because natural justice requires it and because it benefits society, which in turn benefits us personally.

How?

We’ve talked about the what and the why, of honouring our parents. Now let’s consider the how.

Perhaps the best way of honouring your parents is by the way you live your life. Being a blessing to your parents. Not causing your parents grief or worry or anguish by the choices you make. Relating well with your siblings so that family get togethers are a source of joy and not conflict.

If your parents and grandparents have made sacrifices to give you a good start in this world, then give them a good return for their investment.

I never met my great-grandfather but I was given his Bible. In the front of the Bible are written these words: “Special prize, presented to Albert Anderson for essay on the life of Joshua… 28 October 1908”     

I am told that Albert was a devout Christian who took his faith seriously and apparently had some aptitude for Biblical study.

Six years after receiving this Bible, Albert put his tools down (he was a carpenter) and enlisted in the New Zealand Expeditionary forces to fight in the First World War. He came home to New Zealand five years later.

On his return Albert kept his faith and attended church regularly, but I don’t think he was ever quite the same. People called him ‘silent Albie’ because he didn’t talk much.

After the war his wife died and the great depression of the 1930’s followed. Life was not easy for him. He did not have the same opportunities or choices that most of us enjoy. Albert died of cancer before reaching old age.

I sometimes wonder how his life might have turned out if he didn’t go to war or if his wife didn’t die so young or if university had been an option for him. Would he have pursued his love of the Bible and become a preacher? Would he have chosen a different path? Who knows?

What I do know is that I honour his life, his suffering and his hardship by the way I live my life and by making the most of the opportunities I have been given. How do you honour your parents and grandparents?

In Ephesians 6, the apostle Paul has this to say about how children are to honour their parents: Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  ² “Honour your father and mother”

Hmm? Do we really have to obey our parents? Well, the context suggests the children Paul is addressing here are young. Because, in verse 4, Paul gives some advice to parents saying…

⁴ Fathers,do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

The children in this context, therefore, are still at home and dependent on their parents. More importantly though the children are being told to obey their parents in the instruction of the Lord. So obedience is required when parents are teaching their children to follow Jesus.

Paul is encouraging Christian parents to think of themselves as making disciples of their children. Parents are like missionaries to their children. You don’t have to go overseas to make disciples. Discipleship starts in the home. Don’t leave the internet to raise your kids.

In Luke chapter 2 we come across a story from Jesus’ childhood. The story ends with Luke saying that Jesus was obedient to his parents.

Jesus’ parents were Godly people, even if they didn’t quite understand their son. By submitting to Mary & Joseph, Jesus was essentially submitting to God, his heavenly Father, who entrusted Jesus to Mary & Joseph’s care.

Obviously, if parents tell a child to do something that is clearly wrong or immoral, the child does not need to obey. Our first allegiance is always to God. 

Ideally, we are aiming for a mutually respectful relationship with our parents. One in which they consider for us and we consider for them. If, as adults, our parents ask something of us that we can’t do, then we have a conversation with them and try to arrive at a solution that works for everyone.    

Sometimes, in mid-life, we may feel like the meat in the sandwich. On the one hand we have teenage or young adult children who still need our support and, at the same time, we have aging parents who may also need some help.

To make things more difficult we often don’t live in the same city. It’s a lot harder to help family from a distance. Sometimes life’s circumstances force you to make a difficult choice. At the end of the day you can only do what is in your power to do.

When Jesus was hanging on the cross, about to die, his options were limited. His earthly father Joseph was dead. He was the eldest son. How would he honour his mother in that most difficult of all situations? One of the last things Jesus did was entrust his mother’s care to his best friend. In John 19 we read…   

²⁶ When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her, “Woman,here is your son,” ²⁷ and to the disciple, “Here is your mother.” From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.

It wasn’t in Jesus’ power to look after Mary himself, so he delegated her care to someone he trusted implicitly.

Honouring our parents is about doing the best we can for them under the circumstances. Sometimes that might mean inviting them to live with us, in our home. Other times it will mean supporting them to live in their own home. Or, if they need a high level of support, it could mean visiting them regularly in an aged care facility. What is the best you can do by your parents?  

Thinking of difficult choices, how do you honour both parents when they are separated or divorced? How do share yourself around at Christmas? How do you navigate special occasions? How do provide care and support when your mum & dad won’t even talk to each other let alone live under the same roof?

How do you honour both parents if you are in a conversation with one parent who is saying not very nice things about the other?

Don’t buy into their narrative. Ask God to help you write a better narrative. Don’t submit to false guilt. You are not responsible for the choices your parents have made. At the end of the day you can only do what is in your power to do. You can’t be in two places at once. You can’t keep everyone happy all the time.

Do the best you can to honour both parents but make sure you leave room to honour yourself as well. Make sure you give yourself space to breathe.   

Some wounds are slow to heal. What do you do if your parents have hurt you? Perhaps your mum or dad were incompetent as parents. Maybe they were absent or neglectful or even abusive. Do you still need to honour them? The short answer is yes, but what that looks like might be different depending on the situation.

As Christians we are guided by the Spirit of Jesus, a Spirit of grace & truth. The truth is, no parent and no child is perfect so we need to have some measure of grace and not sweat the small stuff.

God is able to use the imperfection of your family for good. In fact, having a perfect upbringing isn’t that helpful in this life because it doesn’t prepare you for the world. The world we live in is not perfect. The world is not always easy or kind. Learning to relate with challenging people is a useful skill.

That being said, even grace has its limits. In extreme situations, where a parent has done serious harm and can no longer be trusted, it may be necessary to cut the relationship off for your own survival. This should not be done cynically or lightly. This is a weighty matter that requires deep wrestling in prayer.

In a situation like that, honour may take the form of asking God to forgive your parents so that you can both move on without doing further harm. Honour may also mean breaking the cycle of violence and getting help for yourself in order to learn a better way of relating to your own kids.    

Conclusion:

Remember, honour is about doing the right thing, the good thing, by your mum and dad. In the normal course of events, honour means being committed to make the relationship work well. And that involves staying in touch regularly.

It is significant that the last verse in the Old Testament speaks of God sending his prophet to restore the relationship between parents and children. Let it be the last word of this sermon too. From Malachi chapter 4 we read…

⁵ “See, I will send the prophet Elijah to you before that great and dreadful day of the Lord comes. ⁶ He will turn the hearts of the parents to their children, and the hearts of the children to their parents;

Questions for discussion or reflection:

What stands out for you in reading this Scripture and/or in listening to the sermon? Why do you think this stood out to you?

• What does honour mean to you? What does honour (kabbed) mean in the context of Deuteronomy 5? Can you think of any examples of children honouring their parents in the Bible?

• Why should we honour our parents?

• How do you honour your parents and grandparents? What is the best you can do for your parents?

• When must we obey our parents? When is it okay to not do what our parents ask?

• How might someone honour a parent who has hurt them? 

• What were/are your parents like? Can you think of something they did for you, when you were young, that was really helpful? If they are still alive could you ring them and thank them? If you can’t ring them, thank God for the good they did. 

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[1] Refer Patrick Miller’s commentary on Deuteronomy, page 84. 

[2] Refer John Stott’s commentary on Ephesians, page 241.