A Gentle Answer

Scripture: Proverbs 15:1; 1 Samuel 25; John 8:1-11

Video Link: https://youtu.be/_5yRXjKYZPU

Structure:

• Introduction
• A gentle answer
• Abigail’s answer
• Jesus’ answer
• Sometimes wrath prevails
• Conclusion

Introduction:

Good morning everyone.

Did you know that ‘words’ (w.o.r.d.s.) is an anagram for sword?

Putting the s at the front turns ‘words’ into a sword.

They say the pen is mightier than the sword. Words are powerful things.

Today we continue our series in the book of Proverbs. Proverbs contains wisdom for getting through this life. Proverbs has lots to say about words. Our message today focuses on chapter 15, verse 1, which reads…

A gentle answer:

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

May the Spirit of Jesus illuminate God’s word for us.

This proverb is basically saying, words and the tone (or manner) in which we say them, have the power to calm a situation or make it worse.

We cannot control what other people might be feeling in the first instance, but we can control how we respond, and our response can have a profound effect on the outcome. 

A gentle answer may seem simple enough but it’s actually quite difficult to do, especially in the heat of the moment. Four things to keep in mind…

Firstly, gentleness requires backbone. A backbone lends strength and flexibility to the body. Being gentle does not mean being a push over or a jelly fish. Gentle is not weak. Gentleness requires the strength to stand your ground and the agility to adapt to change.

Secondly, a gentle answer requires logic. Gentle is not emotional. A gentle response involves keeping your composure and speaking sense. There is a time to express emotion but too much emotion tends to get in the way of a gentle answer.   

Some people are naturally empathic in the sense that they quite quickly and intuitively pick up on what other people are feeling. This is both a gift and a curse. On the one hand it helps you to read the situation and understand what you are dealing with.

But if the other person’s emotion bleeds into yours, then it becomes very difficult to keep yourself calm. If you are naturally sensitive to other people’s feelings, you can end up on the emotional roller coaster with them.

Giving a gentle answer requires you to hold on to yourself and not be overwhelmed. You need to read what the other person is feeling without getting sucked into the vortex of their emotion. You have to turn your own feelings off and think rationally in that moment.

You might say to yourself something like, ‘That person is angry and their anger belongs to them. It does not belong to me. I will stay calm and keep breathing. What is the outcome I want in this situation? And what are the logical steps to achieving that outcome?’       

A third thing to keep in mind, if you want to give a gentle answer, is finding common ground. You don’t have to agree with everything the other person is saying or doing but try and identify what you do agree on. Finding common ground enables you to build a connection.

One thing that gets in the way of finding common ground is the ego. You have to put your ego aside if you want to give a gentle answer. As long as you are focused on defending your ego, you won’t be able to find common ground.

A gentle answer requires backbone, logic, common ground and, fourthly, freedom. A gentle answer allows the person you are dealing with to make a free choice. By definition, gentleness does not threaten or coerce or manipulate in any way. A gentle answer presents the other party with a sensible option, not a blunt ultimatum.

There is a fifth thing required for a gentle answer and that is grace. Each of us has a certain amount of grace in the bank account of our soul. This balance of grace is like the currency we spend in dealing with the difficulties of life. Whenever something bad happens, like we become ill or we don’t get enough sleep or someone is unkind or unfair, or whatever, it costs us a little grace.

Likewise, when you are faced with an angry person, giving a gentle answer will require you to make a withdrawal from your grace account.

We need to keep an eye on how much grace we have left in our account. If you are running low, do something to take care of yourself so your balance of grace is topped up and you have the resources you need to manage yourself in a challenging situation.    

A gentle answer will cost you, but not as much as a harsh word. 

Abigail:

There’s a woman in the Bible who had the grace to give a gentle answer and turn away wrath. Her name is Abigail. In the book of First Samuel chapter 25, David (who is on the run from Saul) finds himself in the desert of Maon.

He and his men, as many as 600 soldiers, needed to eat. There was a rich man in that area by the name of Nabal. David sends some of his men to Nabal to ask if Nabal can help out with any supplies. Afterall, David’s men have provided security for Nabal by protecting his flocks.

But Nabal spoke harshly to David’s men, and he insulted David saying…

“Who is this David? Who is this son of Jesse? Many servants are breaking away from their masters these days. Why should I take my bread and water and the meat I have slaughtered for my shearers and give it to men from who knows where?”

Nabal’s response here shows a lack of grace and a large amount of ego. Nabal is no jelly fish; he is no push over. But he doesn’t have backbone either. A backbone combines strength with flexibility. Nabal is more like a brick wall, hard, brittle, inflexible. 

Nabal was not a wise man. Everyone in Israel knows who David is. David is the one who killed Goliath. David is a national hero, anointed by Samuel to be the next king. The smart thing to do was get on David’s good side.

When David’s men reported back to him, David told them to strap on their swords and he marched off with 400 soldiers to teach Nabal a lesson. David was angry and he did not intend to keep any prisoners.  

In the meantime, one of Nabal’s servants had a quiet word with Nabal’s wife, Abigail. The servant told Abigail how Nabal had hurled insults at David’s men even though David’s men had been good to them.

“Night and day they were a wall around us [protecting us] all the time we were herding sheep near them. ¹⁷ Please think this over and decide what to do. This could be disastrous for our master and all his family.” He is so mean that he won’t listen to anybody!”

Abigail didn’t need long to think about it. ¹⁸ She quickly gathered two hundred loaves of bread, two leather bags full of wine, five roasted sheep, two bushels of roasted grain, a hundred bunches of raisins, and two hundred cakes of dried figs, and loaded them on donkeys. ¹⁹ Then she said to the servants, “You go on ahead and I will follow you.” But she said nothing to her husband…

Abigail understood that a gentle answer was going to cost her, but not nearly as much as her husband’s harsh answer would cost them if she did not intervene.

²⁰ Abigail was riding her donkey around a bend on a hillside when suddenly she met David and his men coming toward her. ²³ When Abigail saw David, she quickly dismounted and threw herself on the ground ²⁴ at David’s feet, and said to him, “Please, sir, listen to me! Let me take the blame. ²⁵ Please, don’t pay any attention to Nabal, that good-for-nothing! He is exactly what his name means—a fool! I wasn’t there when your servants arrived, sir. ²⁷ Please, sir, accept this present I have brought you, and give it to your men. ²⁸ Please forgive me, sir, for any wrong I have done…

Nabal had reacted to David’s friendliness with arrogance and scorn. Now Abigail, responds wisely to David’s anger with humility and gentleness.

Notice though that a gentle response is not a weak response. There is real courage, real strength, real backbone in Abigail’s action here. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment. Abigail was facing 400 angry men and she was saying, ‘Let me take the blame’. 

Although Abigail has done nothing wrong, she offers to take the blame in order to save her household. This is a picture of grace. This reminds us of what Jesus did on the cross.

Notice too the way Abigail finds common ground with David. Abigail agrees with David that Nabal is a fool. She is wisely establishing a connection and acknowledging that David has every right to feel offended. At the same time, she is also putting distance between herself and Nabal.

To her credit, Abigail doesn’t burst into tears or allow herself to be overwhelmed by emotion. Rather, Abigail sets her gentle answer on the firm foundation of reason and logic. Abigail appeals to David’s conscience, his better nature. From verse 30 she says… 

³⁰ And when the Lord has done all the good things he has promised you and has made you king of Israel, ³¹ then you will not have to feel regret or remorse, sir, for having killed without cause or for having taken your own revenge…”

This is wise. Abigail gently points out to David the logical outcome if he shows mercy. But she does it in such a way that David still has a choice. Abigail does not threaten David or try to force his hand in any way. She points out to David the benefit of showing mercy (you will be free from regret) and leaves the decision with him. Abigail gives David freedom.

Abigail’s gentle words turned David’s wrath away. The king accepted Abigail’s gift and did not carry out his revenge.

Jesus:

We are talking about how a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.  Jesus was a master at the art of the gentle answer. In the gospel of John, chapter 8, we read…

² At dawn Jesus appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. ³ The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group ⁴ and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. ⁵ In the Law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” ⁶ They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

The whole thing is a set up. We know the woman has been set up because it takes two people to commit adultery and the man isn’t there. The law said both the man and the woman should be stoned, not just the woman.

Primarily though, the Pharisees are trying to set Jesus up. If Jesus says, ‘Stone her’, then he gets in trouble with the Romans and if he says, ‘Don’t stone her’, he can be accused of breaking the law of Moses. 

Jesus is faced with a crowd, most of whom are either angry or confused. What does he do? Well, he holds onto himself. He does not let the anger or malice of his adversaries bleed into his soul or overwhelm his judgment. Jesus exercises the strength of self-control and says nothing at first. Instead…  

Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. ⁷ When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” ⁸ Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

Jesus’ response is gentle. It is not harsh or emotional. His response is courageous and rational. Jesus does not beg for mercy for the woman. Nor does he try to appease the Pharisees. Jesus doesn’t say, ‘Let me take the blame’, like we might expect.

No. Jesus finds common ground and he uses logic. The law is the common ground. Yes, the law does prescribe the death penalty for adultery. But, before you start throwing stones, think about the outcome for yourself if you do kill her. You will find it hard to live with yourself, knowing you also have sinned and deserve the same punishment. Jesus’ logic is clear. 

There is no coercion, no threat and no manipulation in Jesus’ gentle answer. Jesus leaves the decision with each individual and their conscience. The people are free to choose.

⁹ At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. ¹⁰ Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” ¹¹ “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

Jesus was gentle but firm with the Pharisees who were trying to trap him and he was gentle but firm with the woman too. Gentle does not mean weak. Jesus does not condemn the woman but nor does he condone adultery. Jesus shows back bone. Strength with flexibility.

Jesus makes a withdrawal of grace from his own personal account and deposits it in the woman’s account, not so she can carry on as she has been. But rather so she can make a fresh start in right relationship with others.   

Backbone, logic, common ground, freedom and grace. All these are on display with Jesus’ gentle answer.

Sometimes wrath prevails:

That being said, it must also be acknowledged that a gentle answer does not always turn away wrath. It did for Jesus in John 8 and it did for Abigail in Samuel 25. But there are times when no amount of gentleness will do.

When Jesus was made to stand trial before the Jewish council, the Lord did nothing to provoke their anger. Jesus stood his ground and responded with gentleness and reason, grace and truth.  

When one of the guards struck Jesus on the face, the Lord answered not with emotion but with logic, saying, ‘If I said something wrong, testify to what is wrong. But if I spoke the truth, why did you strike me?’ 

And, when Jesus stood before the Roman governor and Pilate said, ‘Don’t you realise I have the power either to free you or crucify you?’ Jesus answered with logic and grace, ‘You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above. Therefore, the one who handed me over to you is guilty of a greater sin.’

Jesus’ gentle answer convinced Pilate that Jesus was innocent. From then on Pilate tried to set Jesus free but the anger of the Jews prevailed and Jesus went to the cross.  

Even while he was hanging on the cross, bleeding out, thirsty, exhausted, in agony, with insults ringing in his ears, Jesus still managed a gentle answer: ‘Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.’

A gentle answer turns away wrath, most of the time, but not always. This life is not necessarily fair.

Conclusion:  

We are not likely to find ourselves in an extreme, life-threatening situation like Abigail or Jesus, for which we can be thankful.

But we may still be ambushed by a petulant child or a surly teenager. We may have to deal with an unreasonable adult or a grumpy husband or wife. And there may be times when people who do not know us that well, dump their prejudice on us.

Those moments often come without warning when we are feeling tired and otherwise distracted. We may not always be well equipped with the grace or the strength or the presence of mind we need to give a gentle answer.

Sometimes we will manage to hold on to ourselves and not be overwhelmed by the weight of someone else’s emotion. Other times our ego might get the better of us so that we seek to justify ourselves and respond more harshly than we would have liked. 

Try to have the same grace for yourself that you do for others. It does no good to get stuck in a cycle of feeling guilty and beating yourself up whenever you fall short of your ideals.

We can be our own worst enemy. Sometimes we end up shadowboxing with ourselves. Sometimes we need to speak a gentle answer to our own inner critic. 

Remember too, there may be times when a gentle answer is not called for. There may be times when it is better to give no answer and simply walk away from an angry person, give them a chance to cool down.

This is particularly relevant when communicating on social media. Best not to engage a keyboard warrior.

Life is messy. Sometimes we get it right. Sometimes we make the mess worse. None of us is perfect. We look to Jesus to be our wisdom and our righteousness, knowing that …he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Christ our Lord. Amen.

Questions for discussion or reflection:

What stands out for you in reading these Scriptures and/or in listening to the sermon? Why do you think this stood out to you?

• Can you think of a time (in your own experience) when you observed a gentle answer turning away wrath? What happened?

• Why is it necessary to keep emotion at arms’ length when giving a gentle answer? What can we do to hold onto ourselves and not be overwhelmed by emotion in the heat of the moment?

• What is your ‘grace balance’ like at present? Are you running low on grace? What can you do, over the next few days or weeks, to top up your grace balance?

• Discuss / reflect on Abigail’s gentle answer in 1^st Samuel 25. How did Abigail find common ground with David? What logic did Abigail use to turn away David’s wrath?

• Discuss / reflect on Jesus’ gentle answer in John 8:1-11. What common ground did Jesus find with his adversaries in this situation? How did Jesus use logic and freedom to turn away wrath?

• What can we do when a gentle answer does not turn away wrath? What can we do when we fail to give a gentle answer? When is a gentle answer not appropriate?