Scripture: Proverbs 22:6 and Proverbs 13:24 and Matthew 18:3-6
Video Link: https://youtu.be/qaaKStX-yjU
Structure:
- Introduction
- Train your child
- Protect your child
- Trust your child to God
- Conclusion
Introduction:
Good morning everyone.
When I was five, and about to start school, my parents taught me how to tie my shoelaces. For some reason the method I learned was different from the way most other people tied their shoes.
There’s nothing wrong with the method I learned. It has worked for me as long as I’ve been wearing shoes, but I still get the occasional comment from people along the lines of, ‘Gee you tie your shoes in a weird way.’
Some years ago, I asked Robyn to show me the normal way of tying shoes, but it was too late. I had been tying my laces my own unique way for so long I couldn’t unlearn it. Can’t teach an old dog new tricks I suppose.
Earlier in the service we had a graduation ceremony for the children moving up a level in Kids’ Church.
With this in view it seems appropriate to conclude our series in the book of Proverbs by focusing on chapter 22, verse 6, which reads…
Train a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not turn from it.
May the Spirit of Jesus illuminate God’s word for us.
Train your child:
Although this translation uses the masculine pronoun ‘he’, the principle is the same whatever the gender of the child. Train a child in the way he or she should go and when they are old, they will not turn from it.
Now, when we read this verse we might think, ‘Oh, that’s straight forward enough. If I teach my kids the right way to do something, then that will become the pattern or default setting for their life. They will get in the habit of doing things the way they were taught and find it very difficult to change’. Sort of like me and my laces.
There’s nothing wrong with reading the verse in this way, but really there’s more to it than that. Something is lost in the English version.
The original Hebrew word translated as train, doesn’t just mean teach or instruct. It can also be translated as dedicate. As in dedicating a temple to the worship of God. Or dedicating a house to use as your family home.
When you dedicate something, you set it aside for a special purpose, you bless it. In the context of the book of Proverbs, parents are to dedicate or train their children to live a life of wisdom.
When you walk into the train station in Wellington city you notice several different tracks. At first glance all the tracks appear to be headed in the same direction. But they are not of course.
Each track is dedicated or trained to a specific location. If you want to end up in Tawa or Porirua, then you must be careful not to get on the Hutt line. You need to get on the Waikanae line.
Training your child is like putting them on the right track. That is, the pathway that is dedicated to wisdom and leads to life.
As I said before, earlier in our service of worship today we held a graduation ceremony for the children moving up a level in Kids’ Church. It is important to mark transitions and special occasions with a formal ceremony like this because it validates the child’s journey. It says, you are on the right track, keep going.
The graduation ceremony is a tangible, visible way of dedicating our children to a particular path of wisdom. It’s a way of publicly acknowledging the importance of learning about Jesus and how to relate with God through Christ.
In Proverbs 22, verse 6, where it says, train a child in the way he (or she) should go…’ that literally translates, ‘train him according to his way…’
In other words, the way is specific to the child. There is no universal, cookie cutter, one size fits all approach for training a child to be wise. Each child is different and needs a different approach suited to the way they are wired.
This means parents and grandparents need to seek to understand their children and respect each child’s individual personality, gifts and way of learning.
When one of our daughters was still at school and wondering what she might do for a job, we took her along to see a careers advisor. The careers advisor suggested a job in agriculture.
I looked at Robyn in disbelief. I couldn’t decide whether the careers advisor was trying to be funny or was just really bad at her job.
There is nothing wrong with being a farmer, it’s good honest productive work. Likewise, there is nothing wrong with women being farmers.
But it was plain to me that putting up fences and shearing sheep was not going to come naturally to our daughter. Sending her to Lincoln to get a diploma in agriculture and work on a farm would have been the wrong path for her.
The point here is that when training children in the way they should go, parents need to go with the grain of their child. If your child is not good with animals but is good with children, then don’t encourage them into farming. Help them explore options that involve working with kids.
Likewise, if your child is not academic but is good with their hands, then don’t force them down the path of university. Help them find their way into a trade.
Of course, training a child in the way they should go is not limited to career advice. Training a child also has a moral aspect as well. We don’t just want our kids to be good at their jobs. We want them to become decent human beings who contribute positively to society.
Character formation tends to be more caught than taught. Generally speaking, children often learn more from their parents’ example than anything their parents might say. Words are still important, but actions speak louder.
All my parents and grandparents had a strong work ethic. I learned how to work by being immersed in a family that worked all the time. We were always doing something productive. This was good up to a point, but we may have benefited from learning to take a Sabbath as well.
What rhythms and routines do you maintain as a family? Children pick up a great deal unconsciously from the regular daily and weekly patterns their parents set.
Some of you may be wondering about the discipline aspect of training children. Sometimes kids are delightful and a joy to be with. But they can also be really demanding and test our patience.
How do we teach children self-discipline, so they are capable of achieving worthwhile goals. How do we correct a child when they cross the line? What is an appropriate response to poor behaviour?
Again, parents need to respond in ways that fit the child and the situation. Train him according to his (or her) way…
You may have heard the saying, behaviour is communication. Behaviour is like the tip of the iceberg; the part you can see above the water line. Behaviour is driven by what’s happening beneath the surface.
If your child is behaving in a way that does not meet your expectations, then you have to ask yourself, ‘What is my child telling me?’ ‘What are they trying to communicate by their behaviour? ‘What’s going on beneath the surface?’
Maybe they are simply tired or hungry or sick, but they are not able to use their words, so they throw a tantrum. In that case, they don’t need to be punished. They need some food and a sleep.
Or maybe they are bored, in which case they might benefit from some responsibility, being given a household task which is a bit challenging without being overwhelming. Ideally something they can do with you.
Behaviour is communication. What is your child saying when they throw their toys or yell at you or pull their sister’s hair? Well, they might be telling you they are angry. Anger is the normal reaction to injustice. Kids like things to be fair.
Everyone wants things to be fair, but kids are especially tuned in to matters of justice, at least as it pertains to them. Unfortunately, the world we live in is not always fair, and so part of training a child means acknowledging the injustice and helping them find constructive ways to express their anger.
Your kids need you to be consistent and fair. Then they will learn to trust you and they will know where to turn when life gives them lemons.
Protect your child:
So, what about physical punishment? Is it okay to smack your kids? Afterall, doesn’t the Bible say, ‘Spare the rod and spoil the child’? Meaning, a decent hiding is good for a child.
Well, no, the Bible does not say that at all. Spare the rod and spoil the child is an old English proverb. Those words are not found in Scripture.
What the Bible actually says, in Proverbs 13 verse 4, is this…
He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline.
The rod in this proverb is a metaphor for discipline in the sense of training or correction. This is poetry, not to be taken literally. The emphasis is on loving your children and being careful in what you teach them and how you correct them. This is not a recommendation for hitting children.
Literally hitting children is likely to teach them fear, anger and violence, more than anything else. Positive reinforcement and encouragement is a far more effective way of correcting children. Kids need to grow up around adults who have gentle hands, kind words and a positive, warm presence.
In the 23rd Psalm, David says of the Lord, …your rod and your staff they comfort me. Here the rod is associated with comfort, not punishment.
The shepherd’s rod was like a club (a weapon) the shepherd used to fend off wild dogs and other predators that threatened the sheep. The shepherd did not hit the sheep with his rod. He protected the sheep with his rod.
Likewise, loving parents will not use the rod to hit their children. They will use the rod to protect their children from harm.
For example, loving parents will put safeguards in place to ensure their young children don’t have access to content on the TV or internet that would be disturbing to them. And, as their children get older, loving parents will teach them how to navigate the internet safely.
We might think of the rod as a metaphor for setting boundaries. Boundaries tend to make kids feel safe. Loving parents will create healthy boundaries for their children. They will say ‘no’ to their kids when that is appropriate.
Of course, you don’t want the boundaries to be too tight or too strict. Kids need room to explore and learn and have fun. By the same token, it’s not helpful to let your kids run wild either. You set boundaries to fit the soul and temperament of the child.
Do you get what Proverbs 13 is saying? The rod is not used for hitting children. It is used for protecting children from those things which do harm.
Jesus was very strong on protecting children. Listen to what he says in Matthew 18, verse 6…
“If anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.”
Okay, we have unpacked the first part of Proverbs 22, verse 6. Train a child in the way he should go. This is about dedicating a child to the path of wisdom, or putting them on the right track, in other words. But the right track is not a generic, one size fits all. The right track is tailored to the needs of the child.
Understand and respect your child’s individuality. Train your child in the way that fits who they are. Remember, behaviour is communication. So called naughty behaviour might actually be a cry for help. Are you listening to what your child’s behaviour is saying?
Trust your child to God:
What about the second part of that verse? Train a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not turn from it.
Hmm. The thing we need to remember here is that this is a proverb, not a promise. A proverb is a like a general rule or a principle. There will always be exceptions to the rule.
As a general rule, training a child in the way he should go will result in that child sticking to what they have learned throughout life, like the way I tie my shoelaces.
However, there will be times when even the best training does not stick and children walk a different path from the one their parents intended for them. So, we should not blame parents for the sins of their children. As adults we need to take responsibility for our own actions.
We also need to be aware of the historical and cultural differences. The Old Testament book of Proverbs was written maybe 2,500 to 3000 years ago at a time and place in history that is very different from our own.
In the world of the ancient near east, adulthood was marked by taking on responsibilities for your family and the neighbourhood. To be an adult was to look after your parents, your wider family and your community.
By contrast, in modern western culture, adulthood is defined by individuation, leaving home and becoming independent.
Another key difference between then and now is the number of influences people face. In the ancient near east, people did not have TV or the internet or social media. They were mainly influenced by their own family and the people they lived with in their community.
Also, parents and children worked and lived together much of the time. So, children were not exposed to as many alternatives as they are today. A young person back then might be more inclined to go along with what their parents taught them because they did not know anything else.
These days our children can literally access a world of different alternatives at the press of a button. Kids don’t spend as much time around their parents, which means parents don’t have nearly as much influence as they once did.
The point I’m making here is that these days, when you train a child in the way he should go it does not necessarily follow that when he is old, he will not turn from it. Your kids might stick to what you taught them. But then again, they might pick and choose what bits to adopt and what bits to discard.
Robert Louis Stevenson, the author of stories like Treasure Island and Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, was born into a Christian home. Both of his parents were devout Presbyterians, and his grandfather was a Church of Scotland minister. Stevenson’s nurse was fervently religious too.
All of this is to say that, as a child, Robert Louis Stevenson had plenty of people training him in the way he should go. He knew about God and he knew his parents loved him, but this did not guarantee a life time of walking closely with Jesus.
In 1873, at the age of 22, Robert Louis Stevenson no longer believed in God and had grown tired of pretending to be something he was not. His father was devastated to hear that his son was an atheist saying, ‘You have rendered my whole life a failure’. His mother was equally wounded.
Parenting is one of the hardest things you can do. To learn that your child has rejected what you hold dear is difficult indeed. Sometimes there is nothing you can do but pray and trust your child to God’s grace.
Stevenson’s rejection of God and the church did not turn into a lifelong atheism though. About five years later, at the age of 27, Robert wrote to his father saying…
Christianity is, among other things, a very wise, noble and strange doctrine of life… I have a good heart and believe in myself and my fellow-men and the God who made us all… There is a fine text in the Bible to the effect ‘that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord’.
Robert Louis Stevenson returned to Christian faith in the second part of his life, but it wasn’t the same faith he had as a child. Nor was it exactly the same as his parents’ faith. Stevenson emerged from his time of spiritual disorientation with a new orientation.
Churches are full of faithful people who do their best to encourage their kids to follow Jesus, only to have those same kids walk away from Christ and the church. Not that their kids are bad people. They often operate out of some very Christ-like values, perhaps without realising it. They just don’t embrace everything their parents tried to teach them.
Life and faith are a journey with many unexpected twists and turns. As parents we have a responsibility to train our children and to protect our children. Ultimately though, we must trust our children to God. We are not responsible for the choices our adult children make.
Conclusion:
The other thing to remember here is that children have something very important to teach adults. As Jesus says in Matthew 18…
I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
Let us pray…
Loving Father, help us to train children in the way they should go. Help us to protect children and to trust our children to you. Help us also to learn from children. Through Jesus we pray. Amen.
Questions for discussion or reflection:
What stands out for you in reading this Scripture and/or in listening to the sermon? Why do you think this stood out to you?
- Can you think of something you were taught when you were young that has stayed with you throughout your life? What was it? Has it served you well?
- What does it mean to train your child in the way he or she should go? How might you do this?
- What rhythms and routines do you maintain? How are these rhythms and routines shaping you and those around you? What would a child learn from your example?
- Discuss / reflect on the statement, behaviour is communication. What does this mean? Can you think of examples from your own experience?
- How do we teach children self-discipline? How do we correct a child when they cross the line? What is an appropriate response to poor behaviour?
- How might we protect children? Why do children need boundaries?
- What can we learn from children? (c.f. Jesus’ comments in Matthew 18)
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