Tag: delight

Scripture: Deuteronomy 5:18 and Matthew 5:27-28 & 31-32

Video Link: https://youtu.be/Pva-KR5maAE

Structure:

• Introduction
• What is adultery?
• Strengthening marriage
• Conclusion

Introduction:

Kia ora whanau and good morning everyone.

Normally my messages are rated PG but today’s sermon is more like an R16. Content may disturb. 

If I say the word, Hi-Fi, what am I talking about? [Wait]

That’s right, a Hi-Fi is a stereo system, for playing music. Hi-Fi is short for High Fidelity, meaning high quality sound reproduction.

Fidelity is another word for faithfulness. So a High Fidelity sound system is one which faithfully reproduces the original music to a high standard. A Hi-Fi sound is a pure sound, unadulterated.

Today we continue our series in Deuteronomy. We are up to that part (in chapter 5) where Moses reiterates the ten commandments or the ten words of Yahweh. Today our focus is the command, ‘You shall not commit adultery’, in verse 18.

In actual fact, God wants us to do more than just avoid adultery. His real intention here is for marriage to be high fidelity. Because a high fidelity marriage clearly reproduces the faithfulness of God and the faithfulness of God is music to the ears of his creation.

When we look at where adultery is placed among the ten commandments, we see it comes between murder and theft. In some ways, adultery is like murder in that it (usually) kills a marriage and breaks up a family. At the same time, it is also like theft in that it takes something precious that does not belong to you. 

The command prohibiting adultery is about protecting marriage. When you protect marriage, you protect families and when you protect families you strengthen society.  

Our message today puts the instruction of Moses (in Deuteronomy) alongside the teaching of Jesus (in the gospel of Matthew). Broadly speaking, we will look at what adultery is and how we might strengthen marriage.

What is adultery?

First though, what do we mean by adultery? Well, from a contemporary secular perspective, adultery is voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her spouse.

Or to put it more plainly, adultery is when a person who is married willingly has sex with someone they are not married to. Usually my sermons come with pictures to illustrate what I mean, but it doesn’t seem appropriate in this case.  

The Bible agrees with the secular definition of adultery, except that Jesus takes it even further.

In Matthew 5, Jesus says…

²⁷ “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ ²⁸ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 

So by Jesus’ (kingdom of God) definition, you don’t need to have sex in order to commit adultery. You can be guilty of adultery without touching anyone. 

Like much of Jesus’ sermon on the mount, the Lord is setting the bar of holiness very high indeed. There are a couple of things to clarify here.

Firstly, Jesus appears to be addressing married men in these verses, for he says anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery. Is he being sexist? Does this mean that only men can commit adultery and that women are not culpable?

No. Jesus is not being sexist. Women are just as capable of adultery as men and can be just as guilty. We need to understand that Jesus was speaking into a patriarchal culture. In a patriarchal society men are in control and women are generally subservient to their husbands. So there is a power imbalance.

As I read it, Jesus is addressing married men because they are the ones with the power. He is telling men to be responsible and use their power to protect their families by guarding against adultery.

At the same time, I think Jesus is undermining a common male prejudice that women are the problem; that women are somehow to blame for adultery. It’s her fault for dressing like that. Or it’s her fault for flirting with me in that way.

Jesus is not having any of that. Guys, you can’t blame women for your own selfish desire. That’s not fair. A man needs to take responsibility for controlling himself. He needs to keep it in his pants, especially in a society where women are not treated equally.  

Okay, so what does Jesus mean by looking at a woman lustfully? Well, lust is the hunger or the desire to possess someone else for your own self-gratification. Let me explain by way of example. And for this example to work you need to think of yourself as married.

You might be taking the train into the city when you notice someone who looks quite attractive. You think to yourself, they’re handsome or they’re beautiful. You don’t stare at them though. You don’t want to possess them for your own self-gratification. Instead you check the emails on your phone and your mind quickly moves on to its next thought. That is not lust or adultery.

But what if, in that scenario, an impure thought momentarily and involuntarily enters your mind. You quickly caste it out with a silent prayer, then distract yourself by doing the daily Wordle. Is that adultery? No. That is not adultery. That is temptation.

Temptation is that thin line between right and wrong. Temptation is the doorway to evil deeds. In the scenario I just described you did not cross the line of temptation. You backed away from it. Well done you.

Okay, so when does it become adultery? Well, you are on the train. You see the beautiful person. An impure thought enters your mind but this time, instead of distracting yourself with the Wordle, you welcome the thought in. You start undressing that person in your mind or you imagine them in the shower. Okay, now stop imagining. (I did warn you, this message is R16.)

If you entertain that kind of fantasy you have crossed the line of temptation and you have committed adultery with that person in your heart. You have wanted to possess that person for your own self-gratification.

You might say, that’s disgusting, I would never think like that. The truth is you don’t know the depths of your own heart. None of us knows what we might do given the opportunity. Remember how king David fell. He watched Bathsheba from a distance as she bathed naked and then he sent for her so he could sleep with her. So he could possess her for his own self-gratification.

Having said that, I don’t want you leave here today thinking, everyone is undressing me with their eyes. Most people are not thinking about you at all.

The point is, we have to be very careful with our thoughts. Thoughts are like seeds. A good thought grows into good actions. But the seed of a bad thought bears the fruit of all sorts of wrong doing. Where lust is the root, adultery is the fruit. Jesus wants us to nip adultery in the bud and prevent wrong doing before it has a chance to bear fruit. 

Choose prevention, not perversion. Choose self-denial, not self-gratification.

We are talking about what adultery is and what it means to look at someone lustfully, because by Jesus’ definition lust qualifies as adultery.

Now at this point some of you may be thinking, what about pornography? How does that fit with Jesus’ definition of adultery? Well, pornography encourages lust. Pornography provides the means for self-gratification. So, by Jesus’ standards, the use of pornography is a form of adultery.

The ancient Greek word for sexual immorality, in a general sense, is porneia, The English word pornography comes from the Greek word porneia. Pornography literally means ‘sexually immoral images’.  

In mainstream media, the use of pornography is accepted as normal and okay, provided it doesn’t involve children. But for Christians no form of pornography is acceptable, whether you are married or single.

Some people might say, ‘What’s the problem with pornography? No one is getting hurt’. That is simply not true. People are being hurt by pornography.

The use of pornography has the potential to destroy a marriage. God’s intention is for a husband and wife to give themselves to each other fully. If the husband is giving part of himself to dirty magazines and dodgey websites, then his wife is not getting the best of him.     

Deeper than this, pornography hurts the one who uses it. The more someone uses pornography the more likely they are to have impure thoughts about random strangers on the train. Pornography distorts our perception. It causes us to see other people as objects for our own self-gratification. Things to consume rather than human beings made in the image of God.

Whether you are married or single, please (for your own sake) do not go down the path of using pornography. It will put you in a prison that is very difficult to escape from.  

Deuteronomy 5, verse 21, reads: “You shall not covet your neighbour’s wife”.

In Catholic and Lutheran tradition, this verse (about not coveting your neighbour’s wife) stands alone as the ninth commandment. It is not lumped together with coveting your neighbour’s house and donkey. Wives are qualitatively different from houses and cars.

In the Greek version of the Old Testament, the word translated as covet is the same word Jesus uses for lust in Matthew 5. Lust / covet, same word in the original Greek. This is because coveting (like lust) is about the hunger or the desire to possess someone or something for our own self-gratification.

The implication here is that adultery isn’t just about sexual desire. Adultery can be about desiring someone else’s spouse for any reason. For example, a woman may covet her neighbour’s husband because he is good at earning money. In that case the lust isn’t sexual, it’s about greed or insecurity.    

Adultery doesn’t always present itself as so obviously evil. More often the temptation to self-gratification presents itself as something good, at first, but we don’t realise the path we are on until too late.

Returning to our train scenario. Imagine someone sits beside you on the train. You don’t have any inappropriate thoughts. You talk about the weather.  A couple of days later you sit together again and they share a few small details of their life. Turns out they work in a government department.

The weeks go by and you look forward to your daily commute. Your train buddy is easy to talk to. You feel comfortable with them. One day, their hand brushes against yours. It feels electric. You wonder if they felt it too. 

You find yourself thinking of them more and more after that. Innocent enough thoughts. You wonder what they might be having for dinner, whether they are watching the same TV programme as you, what they are planning for the weekend, that sort of thing.

Over the course of weeks and months you learn bits and pieces of their story. How their husband or wife left them to raise a child on their own. You feel a kind of empathy for their situation and before long you imagine yourself coming to their rescue, being their white knight or their Fraulein Maria.

Next you find they are populating your every waking thought. You become jealous when you see anyone else talking with them. You start going to the gym more often and eating a little less to get in shape, just in case.

At the same time, you pull away from your own spouse. You stay later at work, you talk less when you come home, you are more irritable with your family and you choose to withhold sex from your husband or wife.

Occasionally, you have a twinge of guilt but it soon passes. How can this be wrong when I feel so good? Besides, you are not sleeping with your train buddy (at least not yet). But still, your loyalty is divided. You are having an affair of the heart. You are trapped in a fantasy, an illusion which gratifies your ego or at least dulls the pain you feel. This too is a form of adultery.

Okay, so we’ve talked about the physical act of adultery, which is normally preceded by mental and emotional adultery, an adultery of the heart. But there is another kind of adultery too. In Matthew 5, verses 31-32, Jesus says…

³¹ “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ ³² But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

This is high fidelity stuff. Again, Jesus’ words here need to be understood in their proper context. A man in ancient Jewish culture could divorce his wife simply by writing her a letter of dismissal. Jewish women had no legal right to divorce their husband. It was a patriarchal society. Power imbalance.   

The conservatives of Jesus’ day said the only justifiable cause for divorcing your wife was if she was guilty of sexual immorality of some kind (porneia). The liberals, on the other hand, said a man could divorce his wife for anything. Maybe if she burnt the dinner or if he decided he liked the lady on the train more.

Not all husbands were so callous. Some loved their wives and remained loyal to them. But, by and large, men at that time felt entitled to send their wife away at a moment’s notice.

This was incredibly unfair to women, especially when we remember they had no social welfare benefit to fall back on and career options were limited.

Jesus took a hard line approach on the issue of divorce because he could see men were abusing the law at the expense of women and children. Some husbands were using a loop hole to get rid of their old wife so they could marry a new one. Serial monogamy. That is effectively the same as adultery, just with a thin veil of respectability.

Jesus is saying, it’s not okay guys for you opt out of your marriage commitment for your own convenience. Men, you need to stay loyal to your wife.

Now I imagine there will be some here who have been through the pain of divorce and remarriage. These words of Jesus are not meant to condemn you. Jesus’ intent is to protect those who are most vulnerable.

Your attitude to marriage and the reasons for your divorce may be entirely different from the problem Jesus was addressing in the first century. If you have left a marriage because you were abused or abandoned or betrayed, that’s a different matter. 

Whatever the circumstances of your divorce, God is gracious. I believe the Lord is willing to forgive anyone who is genuinely repentant.

The other thing I want to make plain is that, by Jesus’ standards, almost everyone listening to this is guilty of committing adultery, if not in deed then in their heart. And so no one here has the moral high ground. We are all in need of God’s mercy and forgiveness.

Returning to the main point. As Christians we are called to high fidelity in marriage. For us, marriage needs to be about commitment, not convenience. Divorce, in order to trade up to someone you like better, is not allowed for believers.

Strengthening marriage:

Okay, so now that we have explored what adultery is, let’s turn to something more positive. How do we strengthen marriage? How do we improve fidelity in marriage? I have three D’s for you: Discipleship, delight and disclosure.

Many people these days look to marriage as a means for self-fulfilment. They approach marriage with the mind-set of what can I get out of this? How can this benefit me? How can this make me happy? Me, me, me.

That sort of expectation puts way too much pressure on a marriage. As soon as one partner is unhappy, they look for a way out.

There are benefits and happiness in being married but marriage can also be difficult at times. A husband and wife need to be prepared to weather some unhappiness and stick with each other through the tough times.  

When Jesus talked about marriage it was often in the context of discipleship.    A disciple is a student or an apprentice. A disciple of Christ is someone who is learning to be like Christ. Marriage is one way to learn to be more like Jesus. It’s not the only way but if you are married it is probably the main way.

When we think of marriage not as something that fulfils me but rather as an opportunity to love and serve our partner, even when that involves sacrifice, then our expectations will be far more realistic. Over time, we will strengthen our marriage relationship, we will build our character and become more like Christ.

For example, there might be times in your marriage when you go months (perhaps longer) without having sex, due to illness or busy-ness or whatever.

If that happens you don’t think, where can I go to get some satisfaction? (Maybe I’ll take the train to work today.) No. As a disciple you think, how can I learn to be more like Christ through this experience? Jesus was celibate. I too will practice self-control and find other ways to be intimate with my spouse.

Another example of how discipleship works: In any marriage there will be little things that irk you about your partner. Small frustrations. Maybe they always leave the toilet seat up or they put the milk bottle back in the fridge when the bottle is empty or they don’t replace the toilet roll or they throw the tooth paste out before it has been fully used, or they restack the dishwasher after you’ve already done it, or something else that might annoy you.

Those moments of frustration are part of your discipleship. They are an opportunity to develop patience and show grace, as Jesus does for us.      

Our second D stands for delight. Husbands and wives can strengthen fidelity in marriage by delighting in each other. This means having fun together in a whole variety of ways, including enjoying each other’s bodies.

As we read in Proverbs 5: ¹⁸ May your fountain be blessed, may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. ¹⁹ A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

Although that verse is addressed to a man, it applies to women as well. Wives, may you rejoice in the husband of your youth, may his fountain satisfy you always.

The point is, when a husband and wife are looking for ways to make each other happy, they will have no need to look elsewhere.

Disclosure is another way to strengthen fidelity in marriage. Disclosure is about being open and honest with your spouse. Not keeping secrets. Now, as a pastor, I can’t tell Robyn everything about my work. There are some things people tell me in confidence and that stays with me.

Disclosure in marriage means answering any question your partner asks in relation to you and your relationship together. It means letting your spouse have access to your phone, your computer and your diary. It also means paying attention and listening well to what your husband or wife is saying to you.     

Disclosure, being honest, is not always easy to do. It is a learned skill. It takes patience and time. Saying the first 90% of what you need to say is relatively painless. It’s the last 10% of your truth that tends to hurt. But at the intersection of truth and love, trust is formed and intimacy is allowed to breathe.

Viewing marriage as a pathway of discipleship, delighting in your spouse and learning the art of graceful disclosure, all these things strengthen fidelity in marriage.  

Conclusion:

There’s one more thing I want to share with you, a single verse from Deuteronomy 24, which reads: ⁵ If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.

Moses was wise. This is about laying a good foundation in your marriage. And its great advice for anyone who is married, whether it’s been one year or 50 years. Don’t just avoid adultery, foster high fidelity in your marriage. Bring happiness to your wife or husband.

Let us pray…

Loving God, you are faithful through all the seasons of life. By your standards most of us are guilty of adultery, if not in deed then in our hearts. Forgive us we pray. Whether we are married or single, may you satisfy our hunger for love. May our relationships be characterised by commitment, not convenience. By self-giving, not self-gratification. Through Jesus we pray. Amen.

Next week we look at the commandment about not stealing. I expect the message will be rated PG. So you should feel more comfortable, unless you are a burglar. May God bless you (and be careful on the train this week). 

Questions for discussion or reflection:

What stands out for you in reading this Scripture and/or in listening to the sermon? Why do you think this stood out to you?

• What is adultery? How does a secular understanding of adultery differ from Jesus’ teaching on adultery? What is adultery of the heart? Where do you draw the line?  

• Why did Jesus specifically address married men in Matthew 5:28?

• How might we deal with impure thoughts? How might someone recover from pornography?

• Why did Jesus take a hard line approach against divorce in Matthew 5:32? Why did Jesus insist on such a high standard of fidelity in marriage? 

• What difference does it make thinking of marriage as a pathway of discipleship, rather than a pathway to self-fulfilment?

• What practical things can people do to strengthen fidelity in marriage?