Ephesians 6:1-4 – Tawa Baptist

Scripture: Ephesians 6:1-4

Structure:

Introduction
Christ among us
Children honour
Fathers nourish
Conclusion

Introduction:

Today we continue our series in Ephesians

Ordinarily we would be up to chapter 5 by now but, because it’s Fathers’ Day, we are jumping forward to chapter 6 where Paul talks about how children and parents are to relate with each other
From Ephesians 6, verses 1-4, in the NIV we read…

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honour your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise — “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

May the Spirit of Jesus illuminate God’s word for us

Christ among us:

There was once an old monastery secluded in a forest, miles from any towns or cities

People used to travel out of their way to spend time in this monastery
In recent years though fewer and fewer people made the effort to come

The Abbot of the monastery was in the habit of meeting with his good friend, a retired Jewish Rabbi, for a game of chess on the first Monday of each month

Noticing that the Abbot was a bit distracted (taking longer between moves) the Rabbi asked, ‘What are you in touch with my friend?’
So the Abbot poured out the contents of his soul…
‘Our monastery used to be a place of peace. I remember there was a warmth and stillness there that healed the soul. You could see a visible change in the people who came for spiritual retreat. I don’t see that change anymore. We used to be a well that people would come to for refreshment, but it seems now the well is dry’
The old Rabbi listened to the Abbot’s heart and when the Abbot had finished speaking he paused for a few moments
After the silence had done its work the Rabbi said to the Abbot, ‘Last night I received a vision. In my vision I saw the Messiah among the brothers in the monastery. Christ is among you.’

After their game of chess, the Abbot returned to the monastery, the Rabbi’s words resting softly in his mind

One among their own was the Messiah! Who could it be? He knew it wasn’t himself, but who?
When he shared the Rabbi’s vision with the other monks a stillness descended as they looked into each other’s faces. Was this one the Messiah?

From that day on the mood in the monastery changed. Joseph and Ivan forgave the past and started talking again

Peter, who always seemed to find his way out of doing chores, started helping others with theirs
Naidu, who was often heard complaining about the Abbot behind his back, started appreciating the Abbot’s better qualities
The monks began smiling more, singing more and looking for opportunities to help passers by
They treated each other with greater reverence and respect, as to the Lord

When one traveler, then another, found their way to the monastery word soon spread about the remarkable spirit of the place.

People once again took the journey to the brothers and found themselves renewed and transformed.
The well had been filled, all because those monks knew that Christ was among them.

In Ephesians 5 & 6 Paul encourages his readers to live in light of the fact that Jesus, the Messiah, is among them

As Eugene Peterson observes, the repeated phrase that redefines who we are in all the complexities of household and workplace is ‘as to the Lord’ and ‘in the Lord’… [1]

When we love Jesus and realise that he is in our relationships with others, and therefore affected by the way we relate with each other, it causes us to treat people with greater reverence and respect, as it did the monks

There are essentially two aspects to this morning’s reading from Ephesians

There is Paul’s instruction to children as to how they are to relate to their parents and there is Paul’s instruction to fathers as to how they are to relate with their children
In both cases it is ‘in the Lord’ or ‘with the Lord’

Children honour:

Who knows how to play the game ‘Simon Says’?

Good. For those who need a reminder, whenever I say ‘Simon says…’ you follow the instruction but if I don’t say ‘Simon says’ then you don’t do what I say. Let’s see if we can do this
Simon says put your hands on your head
Simon says put your finger on your nose
Simon says put your hands in the air
Simon says shake your hands
Fold your arms
You are too good

In verse 1 of Ephesians 6 Paul says, ‘Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.’

To the people of Paul’s day, whether Christian or not, it was standard wisdom for children to obey their parents – nothing strange or counter cultural about that

The idea here is that parents have a delegated authority from God so, in the normal course of events, it is right for children to obey their parents because parents are God’s representatives
Parents are there to protect and provide for their children therefore, most of the time, obeying your parents is in your interests
Luke 2, verse 51, tells us how a 12 year old Jesus was obedient to his parents, Mary & Joseph, and that Jesus grew in wisdom and stature and in favour with God and man
It is God’s design that children obey their parents

But does this mean, children should always obey their parents no matter what?

Well, not necessarily. There are exceptions to the rule
Paul qualifies the cultural norm of his day by saying ‘obey your parents in the Lord’
In the Lord is sort of like Simon says
Whenever parents ask their child to do something that is within what Christ wants, that’s like saying ‘Simon says’ – you do it
But if a parent asks their child to do something which is outside of what Christ wants then that’s like dropping the ‘Simon says’ – it’s not binding
The idea here is that while children have a duty to obey their parents they have a greater responsibility to Christ

In verses 2 & 3 Paul continues his instruction to children saying, Honour your father and mother – which is the first commandment with a promise – so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.

God’s command to honour our parents is the fifth of the ten commandments

The Jews divided the ten commandments into two sets of five
The first five commandments are about our duty to God and the second five are about our duty to our neighbour
Honouring our mum and dad, therefore, is part of our duty to God
Irrespective of whether we think our parents did a good job or not, we still honour them out of respect for God
It’s not easy being a parent. God doesn’t want us to add to our parents’ grief; He wants us to add to their peace and joy

Now we are best to understand the promise there, about things going well with you and enjoying long life, in a general or collective sense

The promise of long life and well-being is not so much to individuals
The promise relates to the social stability that a community enjoys when children collectively honour their parents
A strong family life leads to a healthy society [2]

To honour our parents is not exactly the same thing as obeying them, although there is some overlap

When our parents ask us to do something that is ‘in Christ’, like take care of your little brother, then obeying them is honouring them
But if they ask us to do something that is outside of Christ, like conceal or collude with some kind of evil, then we honour them by not obeying them
It is unlikely though that a parent would ask a child to do something evil

In the normal course of events honouring our parents has to do with the way we speak to them, the way we talk to others about them and the way care for them, especially as they get older

The ideal is to care for our elderly parents ourselves, as they become less able; this might mean supporting them to live in their own home or having them come to stay with us
But when that isn’t possible (or wise) we must do the best we can to ensure someone else cares for them, and that includes staying in touch; making time to phone and visit in person
We see the way Jesus honoured his mother, Mary, even as he hung on the cross, giving responsibility for her care to someone he trusted, his disciple John

Now everyone’s situation is different

If your parents were abusive to you and it became unwise or unsafe for you to remain close to them, then what does honour look like?
Well, in a word, forgiveness
Forgiveness does not mean pretending the abuse never happened
Forgiveness requires us to face the truth of what happened, without denial and without exaggeration
Forgiveness also requires us to face the truth about ourselves – children can hurt their parents too – we have to take the log out of own eye in order to see clearly
Forgiveness does not mean you have to automatically trust the person who hurt you
For trust to be restored the other person must change and we can’t change other people, only God can do that
Forgiveness is essentially about release – letting go of the hurt and ill feeling we have toward the person who has harmed us
Most of the hurts we sustain in family life are small (little cuts) which, if untreated can become infected
Whatever the nature of the hurt, there is honour in forgiving it and, where possible, being reconciled
Forgiveness honours our parents, it honours our soul and it honours God

Let me tell you a story to illustrate what honouring your parents, honouring your soul and honouring God might look like. [3]

This story is about a 15 year-old boy we’ll call Jim
Jim’s family had never stepped inside a church but Jim had a friend who invited him to youth group
Jim enjoyed youth group, mainly because of the food and the girls
Then he went to Easter camp. It sounded like it would be fun and his parents were happy to get him out of their hair for the weekend
While he was at Easter camp Jim had an encounter with Jesus and became a Christian

The day after he got home Jim said to his parents, ‘Mum and Dad. I’ve met Jesus and I’d like to get baptised.’

His parents were alarmed to hear this and told him with raised voices, ‘That’s not going to happen while you live under our roof.’
So, in an act of defiance, Jim stomped out of the house and went straight to church

It was the Tuesday following Easter and the youth pastor happened to be there, drying out tents and washing the bus

Jim didn’t say anything at first but the youth pastor (as tired as he was after a long weekend with not much sleep) could see the storm on Jim’s face and asked if everything was okay
‘Not really’, said Jim. ‘I told my mum and dad that I wanted to get baptised and they spat the dummy. They think I want to join a cult. I don’t know what to do?’
The youth pastor stood still for a moment, looked Jim in the eye and said,
“Jim, your parents love you. They might not understand the experience you had at camp, but they still love you.
It is good that you want to be baptised but why don’t you wait for a bit; respect their wishes for now, give them a chance to get used to the idea
Don’t get baptised in anger against them. Build trust with them. Let them see Jesus in you. Who knows, maybe in a few years they’ll come round. But if not, you can always get baptised when you are bit older.”

Jim wasn’t quite sure he understood everything the pastor was saying, after all he was only 15, but he followed the pastor’s advice, went home (feeling a bit calmer) and respected his parents’ wishes

A few weeks later the youth pastor visited Jim’s parents and this gave them assurance that their son wasn’t being brainwashed
Jim found it hard to articulate his faith in words to his parents but the new respect he showed them spoke volumes
Three years later, at the age of 18, Jim was baptised and his parents and sister came to the service in support
During the service Jim gave his testimony and in it he paid tribute to his parents, thanking them for their love and care for him over the years
Both his mum and his dad were choking back tears
Jim honoured his father & mother, he honoured God and he honoured his own soul

Children at any age (whether minors or adults) are to honour their parents and parents (especially fathers) are to nourish their children.

Fathers nourish:

I was very fortunate as a child to have both sets of grandparents and I got to spend a fair bit of time with them

One Saturday I was at my Nana and Pop’s house and a child (who we didn’t know) came to the door
This kid may have been selling raffle tickets or asking to be sponsored for something at school, I don’t remember now, but I do remember my Pop supporting whatever it was they were doing
When the child had left my Pop turned to me and said, ‘You never knock a child back’
My Pop had received a lot of knocks, as a kid, and it had made him compassionate with children

On another occasion I was at the dairy with my other grandfather – he was buying me an ice-cream

While we were there my grandfather noticed a kid waiting outside the door – he was obviously part way through his paper round
Even though the paper boy was a complete stranger, my grandfather bought him an ice cream too, a really big one
I think my grandfather saw something of himself in the paper boy and wanted to take care of him, to nourish his spirit, to encourage him
Now you probably wouldn’t be able to do that today (people might think you were bit creepy) but in the 1970’s that was still an acceptable thing to do, it was considered a kindness

Neither of my grandfather’s went to church (at least when I knew them) and yet they both treated children as the Messiah among us

In Ephesians 6, verse 4, Paul changes the focus from the children’s responsibility to the father’s responsibility

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Paul’s advice for children to honour and obey their parents was not counter cultural – it was the accepted wisdom of the day

But his advice to fathers did challenge the culture
William Barclay tells how a Roman father of the first century had complete power over his children [4]
He could decide whether they lived or died, he could sell them as slaves or put them to work for himself
What’s more, a Roman son never came of age; they were subject to their father’s rule as long as he lived
This is not to say that all Roman fathers were abusive – I’m sure some (perhaps most) treated their children with care and consideration
The point is, in Paul’s day, fathers held all the power and power invites corruption and abuse
Paul’s instruction to fathers is to limit their own power; to control themselves and treat their kids with fairness and tenderness

Our society owes a great debt to the influence of Christ and Paul and the church. Without Jesus’ teaching we would probably still be treating children like the Romans did

If you are a father, being ‘in Christ’ means not provoking your children to anger, not exasperating them by being unfair.

Children have a built in sense of justice – they know instinctively when something isn’t fair
Parents are God’s representatives to their children – we need to do all we can to show our kids the goodness of God
If we mistreat our children, then we are misrepresenting God to them – we are taking the Lord’s name in vain

Now, as I reflect on the cultural context, it occurs to me how different it is to be a father today in NZ, compared with first century Ephesus

Roman fathers may have had complete power over their families but NZ dads don’t
There has been rapid social change in NZ over the past few decades and, as a consequence, men have had to reconsider (and redefine) their identity and role in the family and in society
What does it mean to be a man and what does it mean to be a father?

What would Paul say to fathers in NZ today?

Perhaps he would say: don’t abdicate your responsibility, don’t bail out, don’t abandon your family, don’t leave it all to mum or the internet
You have an important role to play – your kids need you and what they need from you will change as they grow and develop
Be present, be patient. Listen to your kids but be honest with them too
They need to learn that it is not all about them
The Spirit of Jesus is a Spirit of grace and truth; your kids need you to embody that grace & truth

The verb ‘bring them up’, in the original Greek, literally means to nourish or to feed. Paul is saying, it is a father’s responsibility to nourish their children so they grow well

‘Nourish’ means feeding a child’s body with wholesome food but it also means feeding a child’s mind with wisdom and their spirit with encouragement (in the right direction)
Don’t knock a child back with bad advice or caustic criticism

The training and instruction is to be ‘of the Lord’

In a nut shell this means parents are to teach their children to love God and to love their neighbour as they love themselves
Jesus Christ is the one who shows us how to do this

There is another challenge to the cultural norms of Paul’s day in verse 4

Notice that Paul uses the gender neutral term children
Most writers of Paul’s day would have said ‘bring up your sons’ because girls did not normally receive a formal education; girls were taught household duties
Paul was encouraging fathers to teach their daughters as well as their sons at a time when girls were not valued by society
In doing this Paul was following the example of Jesus who encouraged equal opportunity, in education, for women
In Luke 10 Jesus made room for Mary & Martha to sit at his feet and learn like the men

Conclusion:

This morning we’ve heard how children are to honour and obey their parents, while parents (particularly fathers) are to nourish their children, body, soul and spirit

But we can’t do that on our own – we need God’s help
God has provided help in the form of His Son Jesus
We need to keep before us a vision of Christ in community
We need to understand that the Messiah is among us

Questions for discussion or reflection:

What stands out for you in reading this Scripture and/or in listening to the sermon? Why do you think this stood out to you?

2. What difference does it make to realise, the Messiah is among us?

3. Why does Paul say it is right for children to obey their parents?

When should we obey our parents?
When should we not obey our parents?

4. What does it mean to honour our parents?

How did Jesus honour his parents?
How do you (personally) honour your parents?

5. Is there a wound in the relationship with your parents (or children)?

Do you need to forgive your parents (or children)?
Do you need your parents (or children) to forgive you?
How might we release the hurt and cleanse the wound?

6. Do you have a story of something good (something nourishing to the soul) that your father or grandfather did? Share your story with someone you trust.

7. What is the role and responsibility of fathers today?

[1] Eugene Peterson, ‘Practise Resurrection’, page 233.

[2] Refer John Stott, Ephesians, page 241.

[3] John Stott’s examples in his commentary on Ephesians (page 242) provided the inspiration for the story about Jim

[4] William Barclay’s commentary on Ephesians, page 208.