Tawa Baptist

Singleness & Marriage

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 7:1-7 and Matthew 19:10-12

Video Link: https://youtu.be/56rXw4c8vso

Audio Link: Stream Sermon – 23 Nov 2025 – Singleness & Marriage by tawabaptist | Listen online for free on SoundCloud

Structure:

  • Introduction
  • Paul on singleness and marriage – 1 Corinthians 7:1-7
  • Jesus on singleness – Matthew 19:10-12
  • Conclusion

Introduction:

Good morning everyone.

There was a documentary series on TV recently called, ‘Counting the Beat’.

The show explored some of New Zealand’s statistics. In the first episode they said 48% of kiwis are single. Which means 52% are in some kind of relationship, whether that be marriage or a de-facto relationship or simply going steady.

Looking at our church statistics, about one third of the adults who regularly attend Sunday services at Tawa Baptist are single. Which means the proportion of married couples in the church is higher than the general population.

People may be single for a variety of different reasons. Some choose to be single and prefer it that way. Others may wish to be in a relationship but for whatever reason have not been able to find the right person yet. And still others have been married before but are now divorced or widowed or abandoned by their spouse.   

Today we continue our series on spiritual gifts. We have had four Sundays off with video sermons while I was away. Prior to that, we heard about the gifts of knowledge and wisdom, prophecy and discernment, faith, healing, and miraculous powers, as well as tongues and their interpretation.

Paul on singleness and marriage – 1 Corinthians 7:1-7

This morning though, we focus on the gifts of singleness and marriage. Let us begin then with a reading from First Corinthians 7…

Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.

2 But since there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfil his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.

5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

May the Spirit of Jesus illuminate God’s word for us.

In this sermon series we are learning about the gifts God gives. When talking about gifts we need to be clear on the meaning of the word. A gift is something offered willingly, without duress or payment.

A gift is not the fulfilment of an obligation, nor is it an entitlement. Freedom and love are at the heart of true gift giving. A gift may come easily enough, but taking care of the gift often involves some effort on the part of the receiver.   

In Corinthians 7 Paul talks about singleness and marriage as good gifts from God. This means that marriage and singleness are not entitlements. They are not things we necessarily have a right to. They are gifts to be received, treasured and looked after.

Some are given the gift of marriage and with it the gift of sex with their partner in marriage. While others are given the gift of singleness and with it the gift of freedom to spend more time with and for the Lord.

We cannot be sure, but it appears from what Paul was writing that some in the Corinthian church were advocating celibacy within marriage. Celibacy is the state of abstaining from sexual relations. Perhaps these advocates of celibacy thought it was more ‘spiritual’ or ‘holy’ not to have sex.

But Paul warns against this, saying those who are married should not try to be celibate. Abstaining from sex with your partner in marriage makes you more vulnerable to temptation.

According to the documentary ‘Counting the Beat’, 1 in 4 kiwis cheat on their partner. This seems quite high to me. According to Paul, one of the best things you can do to prevent cheating is maintain a healthy sex life with your spouse.

Sex within marriage is God’s intention for humankind. Sex within marriage is something to be enjoyed, not just for the sake of having children but also for mutual pleasure and the wellbeing of the marriage relationship.

Before I got married, I thought sex was like the icing on the cake of marriage. But after I got married, I realised that sex is not the icing. You can eat cake without icing. Sex within marriage is more basic, more essential than icing.

Sex is like the egg in the mixture of the cake of marriage. Sex is a binding agent. It is not the only binding agent, but it is pretty important. At its best, sex within marriage is an expression of intimacy, it becomes a sacrament, something physical which creates a spiritual connection.

As important as sex is, in a marriage relationship, it is not everything. You need more than eggs to make a cake. There will inevitably be times in a marriage when you need to go without sex. And, as you grow older, sex will likely become less important.   

Keep in mind the four C’s of marriage: Commitment, Communication, Companionship and Christ. A married couple need to be 100% committed to each other’s wellbeing, through thick and thin.

They need to have good communication. That means listening well to each other and speaking kindly. Not sweeping problems under the carpet, but talking honestly and graciously, seeking understanding.

Companionship is about spending time together, enjoying each other’s company. Eating and working and resting together.

Including Christ in your marriage is vitally important. Love each other as Christ loves the church. Pray together. Think of your marriage as part of your discipleship. Marriage is one way we learn to be more like Jesus.

Okay, if marriage is a good gift from God, why does Paul say in verse 1 of First Corinthians 7, It is good for a man not to marry and then in verse 7, I wish that all of you were as I am, (that is: single and celibate)?

What Paul has in mind here is the kingdom of God. Paul was an apostle of Jesus. As an apostle for Christ he travelled a great deal, preaching the gospel. This often resulted in him being persecuted. If Paul was married, he would not be free to do the work of an apostle. He would be torn between his duty to his wife and his duty to Christ.

Being single and celibate gives one a certain freedom that being married does not allow. It would not be fair for Paul to take a wife and then essentially abandon her in the name of Jesus.

This is not to say that one must be single to engage in fulltime Christian ministry. Married couples can and do serve the Lord in a variety of ways.

But where someone is required to travel a lot or where they may be subject to persecution and abuse, it is less painful and more practical to be single.

As someone who is married and in fulltime Christian ministry I would say there are pros and cons. On the plus side, marriage enriches pastoral ministry. Marriage provides me with an understanding of what it is to a husband and a father. I walk in your shoes.

Robyn provides me with balance and perspective. Her kindness softens me. What’s more, I am a practical help to Robyn in her ministry as a teacher. There are things Robyn can do that I can’t and things I can do which she can’t. We support each other.

That said, pastoral ministry is no friend to marriage. I am not persecuted and I don’t have to travel much, but church ministry places a strain on marriage. Pastors and their spouses face pressures that most other people don’t. There are pros and cons with everything.  

For Paul to name singleness as a good gift of God was no small thing. In the Jewish culture of the first century, being single put you on the outer. The ideal for first century Jews was marriage. Embedded in the Jewish psyche was this idea that faithfulness to God included getting married and having kids. The more the merrier. Go forth and multiply.

Even today, in some quarters of 21st century New Zealand society, people who are single might feel like they are on the outer, like they don’t quite fit.

But Paul is not having any of that. Being single is not bad. In a Christian understanding being single is equal in status with marriage. Your value as a human being does not depend on whether or not you have a partner. You can still fulfil God’s purpose for your life as a single person, in fact you may have more freedom to fulfil God’s purpose if you are single.

The Old Testament prophet Jeremiah was called to singleness. In Jeremiah 16 we read how God told Jeremiah not to get married or have children because the city of Jerusalem (where Jeremiah lived) was soon to be destroyed and most of its inhabitants killed.

For Jeremiah to get married and start a family would be a contradiction of his message of impending doom. It would also create unnecessary suffering for himself and his would-be family.    

Jesus on singleness – Matthew 19:10-12

In many ways, Jeremiah points to Jesus, the Christ. Like Jeremiah, Jesus had a special calling on his life, a calling that required him to be single and celibate. Jesus was called by God to die on a cross as an atoning sacrifice for the sins of the world.

In Matthew 19, Jesus talks about singleness. Paul’s words about singleness, in Corinthains 7, draw their inspiration from Jesus’ words in Matthew 19. From verse 10 we read…

10 The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.”

11 Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12 For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

In the context of Matthew 19, Jesus had been talking about marriage and divorce. This caused the disciples to make the wry comment that it is better not to marry. In other words, it is better to remain single.

In response, Jesus goes on to talk about the reality of singleness. In effect, Jesus is saying, ‘You joke, but being single is not easy. Singleness is not for everyone. But the one who can accept the gift of singleness should accept it.’      

In verse 12 Jesus uses the analogy of the eunuch as a way of addressing the topic of singleness. A literal eunuch is a man who has been castrated.

In ancient times some slaves were castrated and put to work guarding women’s living areas or serving in some other capacity in the royal court. Some of you heard about the Ethiopian eunuch last week.

Due to the loss of his genitals a eunuch had no choice but to be single.

He could not function sexually as a husband.

Jesus explains that some people are born eunuchs. In other words, some are born to be single. Through no fault or choice of their own they will never be able to marry. We might think of someone born with a disability that makes marriage untenable for them.

Then there are those who are made eunuchs by others. These are people who suffer some misfortune with the effect they are not able to marry. We might think of someone who sustains permanent injuries in a car accident or someone who was so badly abused as a child they cannot stand to be touched as an adult much less function in a marriage relationship.  

Like those who are born to singleness, there is no blame or shame attached. Tragedy, yes. Loneliness, most likely. But no guilt. Jesus is all compassion here.    

The Lord then introduces a third reason for being single, saying: and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.

Said another way, there are those who choose to be single for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. People like the apostle Paul, for example. People like the prophet Jeremiah. People like Jesus.

Paul, Jeremiah and Jesus did not literally castrate themselves, but they did make a conscious choice not to marry for the sake of God’s purpose. Please do not mutilate yourself. Jesus is not talking literally here.  

Jesus could have married anyone he wanted. He could have had a harem with a thousand women in it, like king Solomon. But he chose to be single, for our sake and for the sake of the kingdom of God.

Jesus stood in solidarity with eunuchs, with those who are single. Do you understand what that means?

It means if you are single, for whatever reason, then Jesus, the Son of God, stands with you. He identifies with you. You have dignity. You are not alone.        

In verses 11 and 12 of Matthew 19, Jesus frames his comments about singleness by saying: “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given.” And, “The one who can accept this should accept it.”

The point here is the same as the point Paul makes in Corinthians 7. Singleness is not for everyone. The ability to accept a single life is a gift of God. However, the gift of singleness does not automatically imply an easy celibacy.

In the same way that being married does not make one immune from developing feelings for someone else, so too the gift of being single does not make one immune from sexual temptation.

The famous 20 Century preacher, John Stott, never married. He had no children and remained celibate his whole life. Stott once wrote: “The gift of singleness is more a vocation than an empowerment, although to be sure God is faithful in supporting those he calls.”

In other words, like any of God’s gifts, singleness requires discipline and self-control. It involves some effort to take care of the gift God has given you.

Taking care of the gift of singleness will probably mean being intentional about developing healthy friendships with a variety of people. You cannot afford to be become too isolated. It will also usually involve avoiding situations that might strain the limits of your resolve to remain celibate.

Apparently, Stott wanted to be married, but the right person never came along. He almost got engaged once but came to feel that it was not God’s calling for them to get married.

Stott never idealized celibacy. He encouraged young people to marry if they found the right person and on at least one occasion discouraged a man from following his example of singleness.

In Genesis 2, God said, ‘It is not good for man to be alone’. In relation to this verse, we need to say that being single does not necessarily mean being alone. Jeremiah was single but he maintained some good friendships with people who supported him and got him out of a spot of bother on more than one occasion.

Jesus was single and he too developed friendships, with his twelve disciples yes, but also with others like Mary and Martha and Lazarus. Likewise, the apostle Paul was single, but he did not operate like a lone ranger. Paul relied greatly on his friends, people like Timothy and Titus and Silas.

Paul’s friendship with a married couple, Priscilla and Aquila, is instructive.

Like Paul, Priscilla and Aquila were tent makers by trade. They were among the Jews expelled from Rome by the Emperor Claudius around AD 49.

After their expulsion, Priscilla and Aquila went to live in Corinth where they met Paul. Paul stayed with Priscilla and Aquila for about a year and a half.

Later they accompanied Paul to Syria before stopping in Ephesus.       

Paul mentions Priscilla and Aquila in some of his letters to the churches. The three of them together provide a model of friendship and shared hospitality between those with the gift of marriage and those with the gift of singleness.

A rope of three strands is not easily broken.

Conclusion

So how might you know whether you have the gift of singleness or the gift of marriage? The ancient Greek philosopher Socrates famously said, ‘Know thyself’. Unfortunately, the way most of us come to know ourselves is the hard way, through trial and error. Perhaps there is no other way.

Fortunately, God is wise and gracious, able to work our choices for good.

Let us pray…

Gracious God, we thank you for the different ways you have gifted each of us. We ask your blessing on our relationships together. Whether we be married or single, make us fruitful for your glory. Through Jesus we pray. Amen.

Questions for discussion or reflection:

  1. What stands out for you in reading these Scriptures and/or in listening to the sermon? Why do you think this stood out to you?
  2. What is your experience of singleness? What is your experience of marriage?
  3. Why is sex important in marriage? Why is celibacy important in singleness?
  4. Discuss / reflect on the four C’s of marriage: commitment, communication, companionship and Christ. How might a married couple apply these four C’s in their marriage relationship?
  5. Why does Paul say in verse 1 of First Corinthians 7, It is good for a man not to marry and then in verse 7, I wish that all of you were as I am, (that is: single and celibate)? What are the benefits of being single? What are the challenges? 
  6. Discuss / reflect on Jesus’ words about singleness in Matthew 19:10-12. What strikes you as significant or meaningful here? Who are the (metaphorical) eunuchs of today?
  7. How might those who are single guard against loneliness and sexual temptation? How might those who are married offer hospitality and friendship to those who are single?  
Tawa Baptist

Wedded to Wisdom

Scripture: Proverbs 31:10-31

Video Link: https://youtu.be/kEbqD1U8ugQ

Structure:

  • Introduction
  • Wonder Woman, or
  • Wisdom Woman
  • Conclusion

Introduction:

Good morning everyone.

If someone says to you, ‘His head is in the clouds’, they don’t literally mean that his head is high in the air floating around in the mist. They are using picture language to convey the idea that he is day dreaming.

Likewise, if someone says to you, ‘I feel like a pizza’, you know they are not talking about feeling hot and cheesy. They are speaking figuratively. They are saying, I feel like eating a pizza.

And if someone says, ‘I worked my socks off’, they don’t mean their socks literally came off while they were working. They mean I worked really hard.

Today we continue our series in the book of Proverbs. Much of Proverbs is poetry. It uses metaphor or picture language to convey ideas. Because Proverbs uses picture language you cannot take everything at face value. If what you are reading doesn’t make sense literally, then think figuratively. 

This morning’s message focuses on a poem at the end Proverbs. In the original Hebrew this is an alphabetical acrostic poem which means each line of the poem begins with the next letter of the Hebrew alphabet.

An English acrostic might go something like, she is Admirable, she is Beautiful, she is Clever, she is Discerning, she is Empathic and so on. 

Some readers see this as the A to Z of being the ideal wife because, if we read it literally, the poem seems to describe a kind of Wonder Woman with superpowers for doing housework, raising children, making money, helping the poor, giving wise advice and making her husband successful. 

If we read this poem metaphorically though, it is not talking about who you marry. It’s talking about wisdom. It’s saying, whoever you are, whether you are male or female, single or in a relationship, make wisdom your partner for life. Wisdom is the ideal help mate. From Proverbs 31, verse 10 we read…

10 How hard it is to find a capable wife! She is worth far more than jewels! 11 Her husband puts his confidence in her, and he will never be poor. 12 As long as she lives, she does him good and never harm. 13 She keeps herself busy making wool and linen cloth. 14 She brings home food from out-of-the-way places, as merchant ships do. 15 She gets up before daylight to prepare food for her family and to tell her servant women what to do. 16 She looks at land and buys it, and with money she has earned she plants a vineyard. 17 She is a hard worker, strong and industrious. 18 She knows the value of everything she makes, and works late into the night. 19 She spins her own thread and weaves her own cloth. 20 She is generous to the poor and needy. 21 She doesn’t worry when it snows, because her family has warm clothing. 22 She makes bedspreads and wears clothes of fine purple linen. 23 Her husband is well known, one of the leading citizens. 24 She makes clothes and belts, and sells them to merchants. 25 She is strong and respected and not afraid of the future. 26 She speaks with a gentle wisdom. 27 She is always busy and looks after her family’s needs. 28 Her children show their appreciation, and her husband praises her. 29 He says, “Many women are good wives, but you are the best of them all.” 30 Charm is deceptive and beauty disappears, but a woman who honours the Lord should be praised. 31 Give her credit for all she does. She deserves the respect of everyone.

May the Spirit of Jesus illuminate God’s word for us.

As I said earlier, there are basically two ways to understand this poem at the end of Proverbs, literally or metaphorically. Is the poem describing an actual human being, the ideal Wonder Woman that every man should aspire to marry?

Or is the poem describing wisdom herself, so the capable wife is not an actual human being but a metaphor personifying wisdom from God? Let’s starts by exploring a literal interpretation.

Wonder Woman:

We might summarise the qualities of the wife described in Proverbs 31 with the following C’s: character, commitment, capability, compassion and confidence. 

She is a woman of noble character (verse 10). Character has to do with virtue. Things like, honesty, faithfulness, courage and so on. Good character creates and maintains trust and trust is the foundation of any relationship.

Another important quality necessary for any long-term relationship is commitment. As Abraham Lincoln said, ‘Commitment is what transforms a promise into reality’.

Verse 12 says this wonder woman does good to her husband as long as she lives. That’s real commitment.  

There are times in a marriage when it is simply hard graft because of circumstances outside of your control. There are times when you just have to grit your teeth and commit yourself to getting through the tough stuff together.

The wife described in Proverbs 31 is a capable woman, meaning she has skills in working with her hands (verse 19) and in making good business decisions (verse 16). But she also has the capacity and the strength to work her socks off and get the job done (verse 17).

Verse 13 says, she keeps herself busy making wool & linen cloth. The original Hebrew text does not actually say ‘busy’. It literally translates ‘pleasure of her hands’ (or ‘eager hands’), meaning she enjoys working. Creative work is not drudgery to her. [1]

She is compassionate, opening her arms to the poor and helping the needy (verse 20). There is wisdom in taking care of those less fortunate in your neighbourhood. If you do, they are more likely to take care of you and your family when it is in their power to do so.      

Verse 26 shows us another aspect of her compassion. She speaks with gentle wisdom. The idea here is that she has just the right word in season. Truth with grace. She knows how to turn away wrath with a gentle word. 

Verse 21 tells us she is confident, not a worrier. She is not anxious about her household because she is prepared. Confidence is contagious. This wonder woman inspires confidence in others.

Most people are attracted to a partner by charm or beauty. But charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting. So, if you are looking for a marriage partner then competence, commitment, capability, compassion and confidence are all helpful qualities to keep in mind.

One quality that is conspicuous by its absence, in Proverbs 31, is compatibility. Compatibility has to do with how easily you get along. You want your partner in marriage to have a personality that fits with yours and doesn’t grate. You want to have the same values and be heading in the same direction, otherwise life will quickly become a grind.

A literal reading of Proverbs 31 paints a picture of a woman who is high performance and low maintenance. It is hard to imagine anyone living up to the standard set by this poem though. It seems a bit unreal, sort of like the Cosby Show – trying to hold up an ideal that is often divorced from the reality of everyday experience.

There are perhaps only three women in the entire Bible who come close to fitting the description of the wife in Proverbs 31…

Ruth probably fits the ideal best. She honours her first husband after he dies by looking after her mother-in-law and finding a relative of her husband to marry and provide an heir.

She works extremely hard, is good with her hands and demonstrates wisdom and loyalty, so much so that Boaz (a man of standing in the community) marries her and praises her. Indeed, she is praised by everyone in the community who say she is better than seven sons.

Abigail is another (almost) example of the Proverbs 31 wife. She is an astute business-woman who manages her household well. However, her first husband seems to take her for granted and she doesn’t have a great deal of respect for him either.

Looking at the New Testament; Lydia (possibly) approximates the ideal woman.

I’m not sure what her marital status was but Lydia was a wealthy trader in purple cloth, she honoured God and she provided for the apostles.

The point is this wonder woman of Proverbs 31 is hard to find even in the Bible. So how realistic is it for us to read this passage in a literal way? Because a literal reading seems to exclude most women…

It excludes single women and women who cannot have children.

It excludes women who can’t sew or cook. 

It excludes women whose children have gone off the rails.

It excludes women who don’t work outside the home.

It excludes women whose husbands share the domestic duties because she does work outside the home. It excludes women who don’t have servants.  

And it excludes women whose husband or children take them for granted.

It basically excludes any woman who needs more than 4 hours sleep a day.  

Apparently, some Jewish men used to recite this poem to their wives on Sabbath evenings. [2] If we give them the benefit of the doubt it was perhaps a gesture of their love and appreciation. A way of saying, ‘I see all that you do for our family’.  

But I imagine there were some weeks when the woman did not appreciate it – like she was being reminded of all the ways she did not measure up.

And this is one of the dangers with reading Proverbs 31 in a literal way. Girls might think this is how I should be. This is my duty or else I fail and am not worthy.  

The other danger with reading Proverbs 31 literally is that boys might think this is how my wife is supposed to be. She is supposed to do everything for me and the kids. Then there is disappointment when she does not live up to his expectations.

Ladies, if you try to live up to this, then you are just going to wear yourself out and you will probably end up alienating your husband for all your efforts. When I look at Proverbs 31 from a literal perspective, I find myself asking, ‘When do this couple ever spend any time together?’

She is so busy doing things apart from him that there is not much opportunity for companionship or intimacy in their relationship.

It’s like the chorus line in that song by The Chainsmokers and Coldplay. I’m not looking for somebody with some superhuman gifts, some superhero, some fairy tale bliss. I just want someone I can turn to, somebody I can kiss.

So, is there anything redeemable from a literal reading of this poem?

Well, yes. On the positive side we see a woman who is empowered and trusted by her husband. She has freedom and independence to use her initiative, to buy land and trade.

We could view this as quite enlightened for its time. It’s sort of a ‘women can anything’ text centuries before that became fashionable. It also shows men they don’t need to feel threatened or insecure if their wife is more competent than they are.   

The poem finishes by saying, a woman who honours the Lord should be praised. Give her credit for all she does. She deserves the respect of everyone.

This can be taken literally. Here we see a man who appreciates his wife and does not take her for granted. Men, don’t wait for your wife or mother or sister to meet some perfect ideal before you say good things to her.

Express your appreciation with words and with listening. Say it by helping with the kids and the housework. Say it by taking her out to a nice restaurant. Say it anyway that she can hear it, as long as the message is ‘I love and appreciate you’.

Wisdom Woman:

Okay, so a literal reading of the text can offer some helpful advice, but it also comes with some hooks. On the whole it is probably more helpful (and truer to the context) to understand the woman in Proverbs 31, not as a literal human being, but rather as a metaphor personifying wisdom.

Personification is when we give human characteristics to something that is not human. For example, in A.A. Milne’s stories of Winnie the Pooh – Pooh Bear has a friend called ‘Owl’. Owl is a personification of wisdom, just as Eeyore personifies melancholy and Piglet personifies loyalty.   

In a similar vein the writer of Proverbs 31 personifies wisdom, giving the abstract concept of wisdom, human characteristics.

As Kathleen O’Connor writes…

Rather than supplying the image of the correct marriage partner the poem [in Proverbs 31] serves as a summary of the whole Book of Proverbs. Its central character is no typical woman but the Wisdom Woman herself… this poem demonstrates what life is like once one has chosen to live with wisdom. [3]

In other words, the poem in Proverbs 31 is not suggesting that human wives need to wear themselves out trying to attain an impossible ideal. It is saying that men and women should intentionally seek wisdom like they would look for a marriage partner.

We should love wisdom, live with wisdom, sleep with wisdom, make a lifetime commitment to wisdom. Because then we (and our families) will enjoy all wisdom’s benefits.  

If we read Proverbs 31 metaphorically this is what it might sound like…

Verse 10 – How hard it is to find wisdom. She is worth far more than jewels.

This echoes Proverbs 8, where wisdom speaks as a woman saying…  

Choose my instruction instead of silver, knowledge rather than choice gold, for wisdom is more precious than rubies and nothing you desire can compare with her.

Verse 11 – The man who puts his confidence in wisdom will never be poor.

(As opposed to the man who puts his confidence in luck or dishonest gain.)

As long as she lives wisdom does him good and never harm.

Verses 13 & 14 – Wisdom works with eager hands. Wisdom brings home food from out of the way places. Wisdom gets up before daylight to prepare food for her family…

In other words, a wise man works to provide for his family. He doesn’t wait for things to fall into his lap. He doesn’t waste time doing busy work that bears little or no fruit. He enjoys working for a meaningful purpose, putting food on the table for the people he loves.

Verse 16 – Wisdom looks at land (she considers it first without rushing into a decision) then she buys it, and with money she has earned wisdom plants a vineyard.

This is like saying, a wise man does not leave his land lying unproductive. A wise man puts what he has to good use. Verse 16 is talking about stewardship.

Verses 17 & 18 – Wisdom is a hard worker, strong and industrious. Wisdom works late into the night.

This does not mean burning the candle at both ends or becoming a workaholic. That is not wisdom.

It could mean, a wise decision will go on working for you through the night, so you can sleep and have peace.

But it might also mean, if you have a problem to solve or a difficult decision to make, then often the wisest thing to do is sleep on it. As you sleep, wisdom does its work so when you wake in the morning the way forward is clearer.

The main point is that wisdom enables you to work smarter, so you don’t have to work harder.

Verse 20 – Wisdom is generous to the poor and needy.

In other words, it is wise to show practical compassion to those who are less fortunate. Better to have the poor on your side than to have them cursing you or worse.  

Verse 23 – Wisdom’s husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

The city gate, in ancient times, was sort of like the local council and court room. It was a place where the leaders of the city gathered to make community decisions.

When a man is wedded to wisdom, he earns respect and influence in the community. He is listened to.

We could go on, but you get the point. When we read Proverbs 31 metaphorically, thinking of the capable wife not as an actual human being but as Wisdom personified, then it takes on a whole new meaning.

Conclusion:

As I keep saying throughout this series, Jesus is the personification of God’s wisdom (both literally and metaphorically). Jesus embodies wisdom.

Jesus came that we might have abundant life. The yoke of Jesus’ wisdom is easy, meaning it fits us perfectly. And his burden is light, meaning he does not ask us to carry the weight of unrealistic expectations.  

When we make a lifetime commitment to following Jesus, we find wisdom.  

May God grant you a long and happy union with wisdom. Amen. 

Questions for discussion or reflection:

  1. What stands out for you in reading this Scripture and/or in listening to the sermon? Why do you think this stood out to you?
  • How do you feel when you read Proverbs 31:10-31 literally? How do you feel when you read this same passage metaphorically?
  • What are the difficulties in reading Proverbs 31:10-31 literally? What parts can be read literally?
  • What sort of qualities are important to you in a long-term relationship? (E.g. marriage or friendship.)
  • How does the meaning of verses 17 & 18 change when read metaphorically? That is, Wisdom is a hard worker, strong and industrious. Wisdom works late into the night. 
  • How does Proverbs 31 point to Jesus?

[1] Graeme Goldsworthy, ‘Proverbs The Tree of Life’, page 163.

[2] Paul E. Koptak, NIVAC Proverbs, page 675

[3] Cited in Alice Ogden Bellis’ book ‘Helpmates, Harlots and Heroes’, page 198.

Tawa Baptist

High Fidelity

Scripture: Deuteronomy 5:18 and Matthew 5:27-28 & 31-32

Video Link: https://youtu.be/Pva-KR5maAE

Structure:

  • Introduction
  • What is adultery?
  • Strengthening marriage
  • Conclusion

Introduction:

Kia ora whanau and good morning everyone.

Normally my messages are rated PG but today’s sermon is more like an R16. Content may disturb. 

If I say the word, Hi-Fi, what am I talking about? [Wait]

That’s right, a Hi-Fi is a stereo system, for playing music. Hi-Fi is short for High Fidelity, meaning high quality sound reproduction.

Fidelity is another word for faithfulness. So a High Fidelity sound system is one which faithfully reproduces the original music to a high standard. A Hi-Fi sound is a pure sound, unadulterated.

Today we continue our series in Deuteronomy. We are up to that part (in chapter 5) where Moses reiterates the ten commandments or the ten words of Yahweh. Today our focus is the command, ‘You shall not commit adultery’, in verse 18.

In actual fact, God wants us to do more than just avoid adultery. His real intention here is for marriage to be high fidelity. Because a high fidelity marriage clearly reproduces the faithfulness of God and the faithfulness of God is music to the ears of his creation.

When we look at where adultery is placed among the ten commandments, we see it comes between murder and theft. In some ways, adultery is like murder in that it (usually) kills a marriage and breaks up a family. At the same time, it is also like theft in that it takes something precious that does not belong to you. 

The command prohibiting adultery is about protecting marriage. When you protect marriage, you protect families and when you protect families you strengthen society.  

Our message today puts the instruction of Moses (in Deuteronomy) alongside the teaching of Jesus (in the gospel of Matthew). Broadly speaking, we will look at what adultery is and how we might strengthen marriage.

What is adultery?

First though, what do we mean by adultery? Well, from a contemporary secular perspective, adultery is voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her spouse.

Or to put it more plainly, adultery is when a person who is married willingly has sex with someone they are not married to. Usually my sermons come with pictures to illustrate what I mean, but it doesn’t seem appropriate in this case.  

The Bible agrees with the secular definition of adultery, except that Jesus takes it even further.

In Matthew 5, Jesus says…

27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 

So by Jesus’ (kingdom of God) definition, you don’t need to have sex in order to commit adultery. You can be guilty of adultery without touching anyone. 

Like much of Jesus’ sermon on the mount, the Lord is setting the bar of holiness very high indeed. There are a couple of things to clarify here.

Firstly, Jesus appears to be addressing married men in these verses, for he says anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery. Is he being sexist? Does this mean that only men can commit adultery and that women are not culpable?

No. Jesus is not being sexist. Women are just as capable of adultery as men and can be just as guilty. We need to understand that Jesus was speaking into a patriarchal culture. In a patriarchal society men are in control and women are generally subservient to their husbands. So there is a power imbalance.

As I read it, Jesus is addressing married men because they are the ones with the power. He is telling men to be responsible and use their power to protect their families by guarding against adultery.

At the same time, I think Jesus is undermining a common male prejudice that women are the problem; that women are somehow to blame for adultery. It’s her fault for dressing like that. Or it’s her fault for flirting with me in that way.

Jesus is not having any of that. Guys, you can’t blame women for your own selfish desire. That’s not fair. A man needs to take responsibility for controlling himself. He needs to keep it in his pants, especially in a society where women are not treated equally.  

Okay, so what does Jesus mean by looking at a woman lustfully? Well, lust is the hunger or the desire to possess someone else for your own self-gratification. Let me explain by way of example. And for this example to work you need to think of yourself as married.

You might be taking the train into the city when you notice someone who looks quite attractive. You think to yourself, they’re handsome or they’re beautiful. You don’t stare at them though. You don’t want to possess them for your own self-gratification. Instead you check the emails on your phone and your mind quickly moves on to its next thought. That is not lust or adultery.

But what if, in that scenario, an impure thought momentarily and involuntarily enters your mind. You quickly caste it out with a silent prayer, then distract yourself by doing the daily Wordle. Is that adultery? No. That is not adultery. That is temptation.

Temptation is that thin line between right and wrong. Temptation is the doorway to evil deeds. In the scenario I just described you did not cross the line of temptation. You backed away from it. Well done you.

Okay, so when does it become adultery? Well, you are on the train. You see the beautiful person. An impure thought enters your mind but this time, instead of distracting yourself with the Wordle, you welcome the thought in. You start undressing that person in your mind or you imagine them in the shower. Okay, now stop imagining. (I did warn you, this message is R16.)

If you entertain that kind of fantasy you have crossed the line of temptation and you have committed adultery with that person in your heart. You have wanted to possess that person for your own self-gratification.

You might say, that’s disgusting, I would never think like that. The truth is you don’t know the depths of your own heart. None of us knows what we might do given the opportunity. Remember how king David fell. He watched Bathsheba from a distance as she bathed naked and then he sent for her so he could sleep with her. So he could possess her for his own self-gratification.

Having said that, I don’t want you leave here today thinking, everyone is undressing me with their eyes. Most people are not thinking about you at all.

The point is, we have to be very careful with our thoughts. Thoughts are like seeds. A good thought grows into good actions. But the seed of a bad thought bears the fruit of all sorts of wrong doing. Where lust is the root, adultery is the fruit. Jesus wants us to nip adultery in the bud and prevent wrong doing before it has a chance to bear fruit. 

Choose prevention, not perversion. Choose self-denial, not self-gratification.

We are talking about what adultery is and what it means to look at someone lustfully, because by Jesus’ definition lust qualifies as adultery.

Now at this point some of you may be thinking, what about pornography? How does that fit with Jesus’ definition of adultery? Well, pornography encourages lust. Pornography provides the means for self-gratification. So, by Jesus’ standards, the use of pornography is a form of adultery.

The ancient Greek word for sexual immorality, in a general sense, is porneia, The English word pornography comes from the Greek word porneia. Pornography literally means ‘sexually immoral images’.  

In mainstream media, the use of pornography is accepted as normal and okay, provided it doesn’t involve children. But for Christians no form of pornography is acceptable, whether you are married or single.

Some people might say, ‘What’s the problem with pornography? No one is getting hurt’. That is simply not true. People are being hurt by pornography.

The use of pornography has the potential to destroy a marriage. God’s intention is for a husband and wife to give themselves to each other fully. If the husband is giving part of himself to dirty magazines and dodgey websites, then his wife is not getting the best of him.     

Deeper than this, pornography hurts the one who uses it. The more someone uses pornography the more likely they are to have impure thoughts about random strangers on the train. Pornography distorts our perception. It causes us to see other people as objects for our own self-gratification. Things to consume rather than human beings made in the image of God.

Whether you are married or single, please (for your own sake) do not go down the path of using pornography. It will put you in a prison that is very difficult to escape from.  

Deuteronomy 5, verse 21, reads: “You shall not covet your neighbour’s wife”.

In Catholic and Lutheran tradition, this verse (about not coveting your neighbour’s wife) stands alone as the ninth commandment. It is not lumped together with coveting your neighbour’s house and donkey. Wives are qualitatively different from houses and cars.

In the Greek version of the Old Testament, the word translated as covet is the same word Jesus uses for lust in Matthew 5. Lust / covet, same word in the original Greek. This is because coveting (like lust) is about the hunger or the desire to possess someone or something for our own self-gratification.

The implication here is that adultery isn’t just about sexual desire. Adultery can be about desiring someone else’s spouse for any reason. For example, a woman may covet her neighbour’s husband because he is good at earning money. In that case the lust isn’t sexual, it’s about greed or insecurity.    

Adultery doesn’t always present itself as so obviously evil. More often the temptation to self-gratification presents itself as something good, at first, but we don’t realise the path we are on until too late.

Returning to our train scenario. Imagine someone sits beside you on the train. You don’t have any inappropriate thoughts. You talk about the weather.  A couple of days later you sit together again and they share a few small details of their life. Turns out they work in a government department.

The weeks go by and you look forward to your daily commute. Your train buddy is easy to talk to. You feel comfortable with them. One day, their hand brushes against yours. It feels electric. You wonder if they felt it too. 

You find yourself thinking of them more and more after that. Innocent enough thoughts. You wonder what they might be having for dinner, whether they are watching the same TV programme as you, what they are planning for the weekend, that sort of thing.

Over the course of weeks and months you learn bits and pieces of their story. How their husband or wife left them to raise a child on their own. You feel a kind of empathy for their situation and before long you imagine yourself coming to their rescue, being their white knight or their Fraulein Maria.

Next you find they are populating your every waking thought. You become jealous when you see anyone else talking with them. You start going to the gym more often and eating a little less to get in shape, just in case.

At the same time, you pull away from your own spouse. You stay later at work, you talk less when you come home, you are more irritable with your family and you choose to withhold sex from your husband or wife.

Occasionally, you have a twinge of guilt but it soon passes. How can this be wrong when I feel so good? Besides, you are not sleeping with your train buddy (at least not yet). But still, your loyalty is divided. You are having an affair of the heart. You are trapped in a fantasy, an illusion which gratifies your ego or at least dulls the pain you feel. This too is a form of adultery.

Okay, so we’ve talked about the physical act of adultery, which is normally preceded by mental and emotional adultery, an adultery of the heart. But there is another kind of adultery too. In Matthew 5, verses 31-32, Jesus says…

31 “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

This is high fidelity stuff. Again, Jesus’ words here need to be understood in their proper context. A man in ancient Jewish culture could divorce his wife simply by writing her a letter of dismissal. Jewish women had no legal right to divorce their husband. It was a patriarchal society. Power imbalance.   

The conservatives of Jesus’ day said the only justifiable cause for divorcing your wife was if she was guilty of sexual immorality of some kind (porneia). The liberals, on the other hand, said a man could divorce his wife for anything. Maybe if she burnt the dinner or if he decided he liked the lady on the train more.

Not all husbands were so callous. Some loved their wives and remained loyal to them. But, by and large, men at that time felt entitled to send their wife away at a moment’s notice.

This was incredibly unfair to women, especially when we remember they had no social welfare benefit to fall back on and career options were limited.

Jesus took a hard line approach on the issue of divorce because he could see men were abusing the law at the expense of women and children. Some husbands were using a loop hole to get rid of their old wife so they could marry a new one. Serial monogamy. That is effectively the same as adultery, just with a thin veil of respectability.

Jesus is saying, it’s not okay guys for you opt out of your marriage commitment for your own convenience. Men, you need to stay loyal to your wife.

Now I imagine there will be some here who have been through the pain of divorce and remarriage. These words of Jesus are not meant to condemn you. Jesus’ intent is to protect those who are most vulnerable.

Your attitude to marriage and the reasons for your divorce may be entirely different from the problem Jesus was addressing in the first century. If you have left a marriage because you were abused or abandoned or betrayed, that’s a different matter. 

Whatever the circumstances of your divorce, God is gracious. I believe the Lord is willing to forgive anyone who is genuinely repentant.

The other thing I want to make plain is that, by Jesus’ standards, almost everyone listening to this is guilty of committing adultery, if not in deed then in their heart. And so no one here has the moral high ground. We are all in need of God’s mercy and forgiveness.

Returning to the main point. As Christians we are called to high fidelity in marriage. For us, marriage needs to be about commitment, not convenience. Divorce, in order to trade up to someone you like better, is not allowed for believers.

Strengthening marriage:

Okay, so now that we have explored what adultery is, let’s turn to something more positive. How do we strengthen marriage? How do we improve fidelity in marriage? I have three D’s for you: Discipleship, delight and disclosure.

Many people these days look to marriage as a means for self-fulfilment. They approach marriage with the mind-set of what can I get out of this? How can this benefit me? How can this make me happy? Me, me, me.

That sort of expectation puts way too much pressure on a marriage. As soon as one partner is unhappy, they look for a way out.

There are benefits and happiness in being married but marriage can also be difficult at times. A husband and wife need to be prepared to weather some unhappiness and stick with each other through the tough times.  

When Jesus talked about marriage it was often in the context of discipleship.    A disciple is a student or an apprentice. A disciple of Christ is someone who is learning to be like Christ. Marriage is one way to learn to be more like Jesus. It’s not the only way but if you are married it is probably the main way.

When we think of marriage not as something that fulfils me but rather as an opportunity to love and serve our partner, even when that involves sacrifice, then our expectations will be far more realistic. Over time, we will strengthen our marriage relationship, we will build our character and become more like Christ.

For example, there might be times in your marriage when you go months (perhaps longer) without having sex, due to illness or busy-ness or whatever.

If that happens you don’t think, where can I go to get some satisfaction? (Maybe I’ll take the train to work today.) No. As a disciple you think, how can I learn to be more like Christ through this experience? Jesus was celibate. I too will practice self-control and find other ways to be intimate with my spouse.

Another example of how discipleship works: In any marriage there will be little things that irk you about your partner. Small frustrations. Maybe they always leave the toilet seat up or they put the milk bottle back in the fridge when the bottle is empty or they don’t replace the toilet roll or they throw the tooth paste out before it has been fully used, or they restack the dishwasher after you’ve already done it, or something else that might annoy you.

Those moments of frustration are part of your discipleship. They are an opportunity to develop patience and show grace, as Jesus does for us.      

Our second D stands for delight. Husbands and wives can strengthen fidelity in marriage by delighting in each other. This means having fun together in a whole variety of ways, including enjoying each other’s bodies.

As we read in Proverbs 5: 18 May your fountain be blessed, may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. 19 A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

Although that verse is addressed to a man, it applies to women as well. Wives, may you rejoice in the husband of your youth, may his fountain satisfy you always.

The point is, when a husband and wife are looking for ways to make each other happy, they will have no need to look elsewhere.

Disclosure is another way to strengthen fidelity in marriage. Disclosure is about being open and honest with your spouse. Not keeping secrets. Now, as a pastor, I can’t tell Robyn everything about my work. There are some things people tell me in confidence and that stays with me.

Disclosure in marriage means answering any question your partner asks in relation to you and your relationship together. It means letting your spouse have access to your phone, your computer and your diary. It also means paying attention and listening well to what your husband or wife is saying to you.     

Disclosure, being honest, is not always easy to do. It is a learned skill. It takes patience and time. Saying the first 90% of what you need to say is relatively painless. It’s the last 10% of your truth that tends to hurt. But at the intersection of truth and love, trust is formed and intimacy is allowed to breathe.

Viewing marriage as a pathway of discipleship, delighting in your spouse and learning the art of graceful disclosure, all these things strengthen fidelity in marriage.  

Conclusion:

There’s one more thing I want to share with you, a single verse from Deuteronomy 24, which reads: 5 If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.

Moses was wise. This is about laying a good foundation in your marriage. And its great advice for anyone who is married, whether it’s been one year or 50 years. Don’t just avoid adultery, foster high fidelity in your marriage. Bring happiness to your wife or husband.

Let us pray…

Loving God, you are faithful through all the seasons of life. By your standards most of us are guilty of adultery, if not in deed then in our hearts. Forgive us we pray. Whether we are married or single, may you satisfy our hunger for love. May our relationships be characterised by commitment, not convenience. By self-giving, not self-gratification. Through Jesus we pray. Amen.

Next week we look at the commandment about not stealing. I expect the message will be rated PG. So you should feel more comfortable, unless you are a burglar. May God bless you (and be careful on the train this week). 

Questions for discussion or reflection:

What stands out for you in reading this Scripture and/or in listening to the sermon? Why do you think this stood out to you?

  • What is adultery? How does a secular understanding of adultery differ from Jesus’ teaching on adultery? What is adultery of the heart? Where do you draw the line?  
  • Why did Jesus specifically address married men in Matthew 5:28?
  • How might we deal with impure thoughts? How might someone recover from pornography?
  • Why did Jesus take a hard line approach against divorce in Matthew 5:32? Why did Jesus insist on such a high standard of fidelity in marriage? 
  • What difference does it make thinking of marriage as a pathway of discipleship, rather than a pathway to self-fulfilment?
  • What practical things can people do to strengthen fidelity in marriage?
Tawa Baptist

Marriage

Scripture: Genesis 24:28-61

Title: Marriage – Part 1

Structure:

  • Introduction
  • Marriage is an act of God, serving His purpose
  • Marriage is an act of hesed, providing security
  • Conclusion

Introduction:

Today we continue our series on the life & faith of Abraham

–         Last week we heard about God’s fingerprints and how the Lord led Abraham’s servant to Rebekah at a well

–         This morning Abraham’s servant arranges Isaac & Rebekah’s marriage with Rebekah’s family

–         From Genesis chapter 24, verses 28-61, in the NIV we read…

The young woman ran and told her mother’s household about these things. Now Rebekah had a brother named Laban, and he hurried out to the man at the spring. As soon as he had seen the nose ring, and the bracelets on his sister’s arms, and had heard Rebekah tell what the man said to her, he went out to the man and found him standing by the camels near the spring.

 “Come, you who are blessed by the Lord,” he said. “Why are you standing out here? I have prepared the house and a place for the camels.” So the man went to the house, and the camels were unloaded. Straw and fodder were brought for the camels, and water for him and his men to wash their feet. Then food was set before him, but he said, “I will not eat until I have told you what I have to say.”

“Then tell us,” Laban said. So he said, “I am Abraham’s servant. The Lord has blessed my master abundantly, and he has become wealthy. He has given him sheep and cattle, silver and gold, male and female servants, and camels and donkeys. My master’s wife Sarah has borne him a son in her old age, and he has given him everything he owns.

And my master made me swear an oath, and said, ‘You must not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, in whose land I live, but go to my father’s family and to my own clan, and get a wife for my son.’ “Then I asked my master, ‘What if the woman will not come back with me?’

“He replied, ‘The Lord, before whom I have walked faithfully, will send his angel with you and make your journey a success, so that you can get a wife for my son from my own clan and from my father’s family. You will be released from my oath if, when you go to my clan, they refuse to give her to you—then you will be released from my oath.’

“When I came to the spring today, I said, ‘Lord, God of my master Abraham, if you will, please grant success to the journey on which I have come. See, I am standing beside this spring. If a young woman comes out to draw water and I say to her, “Please let me drink a little water from your jar,” and if she says to me, “Drink, and I’ll draw water for your camels too,” let her be the one the Lord has chosen for my master’s son.’

“Before I finished praying in my heart, Rebekah came out, with her jar on her shoulder. She went down to the spring and drew water, and I said to her, ‘Please give me a drink.’ “She quickly lowered her jar from her shoulder and said, ‘Drink, and I’ll water your camels too.’ So I drank, and she watered the camels also. “I asked her, ‘Whose daughter are you?’

“She said, ‘The daughter of Bethuel son of Nahor, whom Milkah bore to him.’

“Then I put the ring in her nose and the bracelets on her arms, and I bowed down and worshiped the Lord. I praised the Lord, the God of my master Abraham, who had led me on the right road to get the granddaughter of my master’s brother for his son.

 Now if you will show kindness and faithfulness to my master, tell me; and if not, tell me, so I may know which way to turn.” Laban and Bethuel answered, “This is from the Lord; we can say nothing to you one way or the other. Here is Rebekah; take her and go, and let her become the wife of your master’s son, as the Lord has directed.”

When Abraham’s servant heard what they said, he bowed down to the ground before the Lord. Then the servant brought out gold and silver jewellery and articles of clothing and gave them to Rebekah; he also gave costly gifts to her brother and to her mother. Then he and the men who were with him ate and drank and spent the night there.

When they got up the next morning, he said, “Send me on my way to my master.” But her brother and her mother replied, “Let the young woman remain with us ten days or so; then you may go.”

But he said to them, “Do not detain me, now that the Lord has granted success to my journey. Send me on my way so I may go to my master.”

Then they said, “Let’s call the young woman and ask her about it.” So they called Rebekah and asked her, “Will you go with this man?”

“I will go,” she said. So they sent their sister Rebekah on her way, along with her nurse and Abraham’s servant and his men.

And they blessed Rebekah and said to her,

“Our sister, may you increase to thousands upon thousands;
may your offspring possess the cities of their enemies.”

Then Rebekah and her attendants got ready and mounted the camels and went back with the man. So the servant took Rebekah and left.

 May the Spirit of Jesus illuminate this Scripture for us

 

In many ways this morning’s Bible reading probably seems strange to us

–         The way people went about arranging a marriage in the ancient near east was quite different to the way we go about marriage in the west today

–         I’ve talked about the cultural differences between the ancient world and the modern west on other occasions & don’t want to repeat that now

–         If you are interested in the cultural stuff then you can read the sermon notes from the 8th July on the church website later

 

This morning our message focuses on the subject of marriage

–         This isn’t just a message for those who are married though – it has relevance for everyone, whether you are in a relationship or not

–         Today’s reading from Genesis 24 doesn’t tell us everything about marriage but it does touch on at least two very important aspects:

o   Marriage is an act of God, serving His purpose

o   And marriage is an act of hesed, providing security

–         First let’s consider marriage as an act of God

 

Marriage is an act of God, serving His purpose:

When we hear that phrase, ‘an act of God’ we tend to think of some sort of catastrophe or disaster – something going wrong outside of our control

–         For example, an earthquake or a storm is deemed an act of God

–         Acts of God aren’t just negative things though – justice, peace, healing & freedom can also be acts of God

–         In a general sense marriage is an act of God – it is his idea, his initiative, one of his positive, creative actions for our wellbeing

–         Unlike an earthquake or a storm though, which we can’t control, marriage is an act of God that we do get a say in

Those who have been following this series on Abraham will be aware of the repetition in this morning’s reading

–         When Abraham’s servant is shown hospitality by Rebekah’s family he refuses to eat until he has stated the reason for his visit

–         He tells the whole story from the beginning of chapter 24 – how Abraham sent him to find a wife for Isaac and how God answered his prayer with Rebekah

–         The main point of this retelling of events is to make it clear that God specifically wants Rebekah to marry Isaac

–         Isaac & Rebekah’s marriage is God’s initiative – it is an act of God

This is not to say that every marriage is especially arranged by God – many people get married without reference to God

–         Nor is it to say there is only one right person for you to marry in the whole world – there are any number of people that you could be compatible with and some that you will never be compatible with

–         But in Isaac & Rebekah’s case God was involved with the details

Rebekah’s brother (Laban) and her father (Bethuel) both agree that God is in this and since God is so clearly at work to join Rebekah & Isaac’s lives together, how can they object?

The fact that God is arranging Isaac & Rebekah’s marriage doesn’t mean that Rebekah has no choice in the matter

–         God gives each of us free will and he respects the choices we make

–         In verse 58 we read how Rebekah was asked, ‘Will you go with this man?’ and Rebekah said, ‘I will’

–         Interestingly, it is only after Rebekah has given her consent that she receives a blessing

–         God’s purpose is often pleasing to us, it is generally a good fit with who we are – happily Rebekah was in harmony with God’s will and prepared to marry Isaac

Marriage is an act of God, serving His purpose

–         The point I’m making here is that marriage isn’t just for the wellbeing of the couple – marriage actually serves a larger purpose in God’s plan

–         God’s purpose for Isaac & Rebekah was to keep the faith, to establish the nation of Israel and to carry God’s promises to the next generation

–         Isaac & Rebekah were part of God’s legacy for blessing the world through Christ

To those who might be looking for a partner in marriage I would say, involve God in the decision – look for his fingerprints and think about his purpose

–         Christian marriage isn’t just a commitment to mutual happiness, it’s also a commitment to each other’s usefulness in God’s kingdom

 

If you were here last Sunday you may remember the story I told about Caleb; the guy on the train who was in the right place at the right time with the right kind of presence to stop 3 drunk guys harassing a woman in her 20’s

–         A fingerprints of God moment

Caleb never actually spoke to the woman that night on the train – he didn’t know anything about her and thought he would never see her again

–         Over 2 months went past during which time Caleb had got on with the regular routines of his life – work, church, Bible study, friends

–         This was a new routine for Caleb as he hadn’t been a Christian for long

One Sunday, while in church, he thought he saw the young woman from the train sitting a few rows in front of him but he couldn’t be sure from behind – and besides what were the chances of that happening

–         It was a bit difficult to concentrate on the sermon after that

When the service had finished Caleb just sat in his pew feeling awkward

–         Probably it wasn’t her – memory can be such an unreliable thing

–         But if it was then what should he do?

–         Christian culture was still quite strange to Caleb and he wasn’t always sure what was appropriate

He was just thinking, ‘I should probably leave before she sees me’, when an elderly woman, Mrs Green, walked up and said, ‘Ah, Caleb, come and meet my grand-daughter

–         At first Caleb was relieved to be in conversation with someone safe

–         But then, to Caleb’s absolute horror, Mrs Green led him straight to the young woman from the train

–         It was definitely her – she recognised him instantly and started to blush, then quickly recovered by introducing herself as Jen

–         Caleb was too stunned to remember to introduce himself – she was even more beautiful up close and she smelled lovely

–         Fortunately Mrs Green, who was as sharp as a tack, came to his rescue and said, ‘This is Caleb. Caleb is the young man I was telling you about who came round and changed my light bulb the other week.’

–         Jen smiled, paused a moment as if remembering that night, and then said, ‘It seems you are quite the Good Samaritan’.

–         Caleb laughed nervously, unsure whether that made him weird or not

–         Jen seemed to read his face like a book and immediately put him at ease

–         ‘I’m pleased to meet you Caleb. I wanted to say thank you for what you did that night. I was really scared and you went out of your way to make me safe.’

–         ‘It was nothing really’, Caleb replied.

–         ‘Well it meant something to me’, said Jen

–         It had actually meant something to him too

–         Jen’s honesty touched Caleb’s heart and for the first time in his life he experienced emotional intimacy

 

Mrs Green could sense the connection between the two and wisely invited Caleb to join her and Jen for lunch, and Caleb accepted

–         A year later Jen & Caleb were married and four years after that they went to Carey College to train for ministry. Now they are pastoring a church

–         Each wedding anniversary they take a ride on a train and tell their kids the story of how God (and Jen’s grandma) arranged their marriage

 

Marriage is an act of God, serving His purpose

–         At its best marriage is also an act of hesed, providing security

 

Marriage is an act of hesed, providing security:

In verse 49, after having told his story, Abraham’s servant says to Rebekah’s family, Now if you will show kindness and faithfulness to my master, tell me; and if not, tell me, so I may know which way to turn.”

 

The word translated as ‘kindness’ there is hesed in the original Hebrew

–         It’s one of those Hebrew words that needs more than one English word to capture it’s meaning

–         Sometimes it is translated as kindness, other times as mercy or steadfast love or loyalty. Hesed is often used in connection with God’s covenant

Hesed isn’t a trifling thing – hesed is an act of real importance, it’s a big deal

–         With hesed the inferior partner depends on the kindness of the superior to meet a desperate need.

–         In this case Abraham’s servant is putting himself in the position of the inferior partner by asking Rebekah’s family to show kindness, loyalty or hesed to Abraham, by giving their permission for Rebekah to marry Isaac

The point is, marriage is an act of hesed

–         God intended marriage to be characterised by kindness, mercy, steadfast love and loyalty

–         The hesed of marriage isn’t a one off thing though – it’s an on-going commitment that provides security for the whole family

We note the concern for Rebekah’s welfare & security in the speech that Abraham’s servant gives…

–         In verse 35 the servant says that his master Abraham is wealthy, with the implication that Rebekah will be looked after financially

–         Then in verse 36 the servant says that Isaac was born when Sarah was very old, implying that Isaac is still young and so Rebekah will be marrying someone close to her age

–         Also in verse 36 the servant says that Isaac will inherit everything – again implying that Rebekah will be secure financially

–         In verse 37 the servant goes on to say that Abraham won’t let Isaac marry any of the local Canaanite girls – so Rebekah’s family know that Rebekah will be the only wife, she won’t have to compete with other women

–         In all these ways Abraham’s servant is reassuring Rebekah and her family that marrying Isaac is a good deal – it will mean security for her

We might think this emphasis on wealth & prospects is a bit mercenary – where’s the romance in talking about money? But in that culture practical concerns were more important than romance

–         If you were a father (or a brother) then you needed to know that your daughter (or sister) would be taken care of

 

Often at the beginning of a romantic relationship there is a kind of blindness – when we see the other person through rose tinted glasses and we kind of ignore or overlook their bad points

–         Not only that but common sense sometimes goes out the window and we have this false sense of security

–         ‘All I need is the air that I breathe to love you’, as the song goes

–         Well, air is a good start but you also need an income and a roof over your head and a community of people around you to lend you support

–         The practical stuff matters and you need to get that sorted, through good honest conversation, before you get married – that’s partly what pre-marriage counselling is about

 

Conclusion:

Marriage is an act of God, serving His purpose

–         And (Godly) marriage is an act of hesed, providing security

In many ways marriage has lost its meaning in our society today

–         Most people these days don’t think of marriage as something that God is involved in – theirs is a cord of two strands, not three

–         A lot of marriages are characterised by violence, unfaithfulness and insecurity, rather than the security created by kindness, steadfast love and loyalty that God intends

 

At its best marriage points to our relationship with Christ

–         Marriage is meant to be a living parable or a picture of the kind of the union (or relationship) Jesus wants to have with people

–         A relationship that serves a greater purpose beyond itself – God’s purpose

–         A relationship characterised by security born of hesed

When marriage is dishonoured or abused people lose the vision of what a relationship with God (through Christ) could be like

–         By the same token, when marriage is honoured and functions as God intended, people catch a glimpse of the mystery of union with Jesus

 

In a few moments we are going to share communion together

–         Communion is a sacred ritual in which Christians remember & celebrate the mystery of our union with God through Christ

–         The musicians will come now and lead us in song as we prepare our hearts

 

Questions for discussion or reflection

1.)    What stands out for you in reading this Scripture and/or in listening to the sermon?

2.)    What is your experience of marriage?

–         E.g. this could be the model/example you inherited from your parents’ marriage, or it might be your own experience of being married, or divorced, or widowed, or single, etc.

–         How has your experience shaped your understanding of, and attitude to, marriage?

3.)    What is the main point of the servant’s retelling of the events of chapter 24?

–         In what sense is marriage (generally) an act of God?

–         In what sense is Isaac & Rebekah’s marriage specifically an act of God?

–         If you are married, how is God involved in your marriage?

4.)    What larger purpose does marriage serve beyond the happiness of the couple?

5.)    What do we mean when we say: marriage is an act of hesed, providing security?

6.)     If you are contemplating marriage, what could you do to sort out the practicalities before you get married?

–         What might some of those practicalities be?

–         Or, if you are already married, what you would suggest an engaged couple talk about before the wedding day? (What advice would you give your kids?)

7.)    Take some time this week to reflect on how the mystery of marriage (at its best) points to the mystery of union with Christ

 

https://soundcloud.com/tawabaptist/29-jul-2018-marriage