Tag: qualities of a good parent

Scripture: Luke 15:11-32

To-day I want to share with you about what constitutes being a good parent from a Christian faith perspective. I will be drawing upon Jesus’ parable of the Prodigal Son and while the emphasis is on the son’s father it is totally valid to extend the message to include mothers, and other parent figures in our lives such as aunties or uncles.

I have chosen this focus as I am delighted that the leaders of the Tawa Church have made an impressive and wise commitment to the work of children and families.

One of Rembrandts greatest paintings is “the return of the Prodigal Son”. In this painting the focus is on the hands of the father.  The right hand is feminine, and the left hand is masculine. The reason for these differences has been debated extensively over the years, and the main explanation is that the hands represent both the hand of the father and the mother of the prodigal son.   God can assume both the male and female parenting roles for us.

Let me share three vignettes that I have experienced related to parenthood.

Story 1:

I am talking about a boy whose father could not be bothered to turn up to a pre- stand down meeting – a high-end discipline meeting. The father eventually told the boy by phone that he was not coming to meet the Principal. He told the boy he was on his own after initially promising he would come to school. The boy had waited for 1 hour before he was taken home by myself. At least his father gave permission for that.

That same boy had deliberately committed a number of minor offences so that he could do a detention after school supervised by myself or the Deputy Principal. We soon worked out that he appreciated the company, boundary setting and some type of accountability. It would be an understatement to say that he felt the absence of a father keenly.

In the end to support this student along with other neglected pupils in a sustainable way we created a classroom led by a trained teacher and quality mother who made them accountable but lovingly guided them through the challenges of adolescence. As a result, respect and trust in an adult developed.

Story 2:

Student K was a danger to himself and others. His verbal trash talk of others was such that he was constantly getting into fights and generally it was K onto 10 or even more. One day after school he was arrested for an offence that took place outside of College and outside of school hours. The Police rang me up and said no-one in the wider family or whanau was willing to pick him up from the Police Station. Could I do this as his school Principal? I politely refused saying that social services needed to be involved as they are better trained than me. He then went to the Activity Centre (Challenge 2000) and was so bad for them, he was excluded from this alternative school-something that had never happened before.

This story has a happy ending. Some eight years later I was at a local Polytechnic Information day related to the hospitality trade. I was served by this same boy at the function. He said, “Mr Lucas, do you remember me?” I said, “You are not K?” He looked similar but his manners were impeccable and he carried himself superbly well. He told me he was indeed K and told me his story. He had been sent up to Gisborne to the only relative who would have him. That did not last long but the relative did get him a job working for a local builder. This builder saw some potential in him and allowed him to board at his place with his wife and family. His employer became the father that he had never had. After 5 years of having a father figure take an interest in him and encourage him, this boy was transformed in a very positive fashion. The builder’s gentle but fair discipline had dramatically changed this lad. Again K’s trust and respect in an adult developed.

It was a powerful message to me that we should never give up on people no matter how dire their predicament. 

Story 3:

My third story relates to my own father. As I have grown older I realise how fortunate I have been in all areas of my life to have a father who was a great role model but also loved me unconditionally. I have many memories that I treasure when my Dad took time to spend with me to make me feel valued and special. I remember one day vividly when after school finished for the year he took the day off to walk around the Pauhatanui Estuary with me. He told me about all the plants and the ecosystem of the wetlands and said how important they were for our environment. He told me that scripture says that we need to be good and responsible stewards of our environment, long before climate change was even heard about. At that time, he was Director General of Lands and Survey for NZ but I felt privileged that he could take a day out to make his son feel valued and empowered.

As a result of the experience of consistent parental love and caring throughout childhood, such fortunate children will enter adulthood not only with a deep internal sense of their own value but also with a deep internal sense of security.

The first two stories illustrate that all children are terrified of abandonment and with good reason. The fear of abandonment begins around the age of 6 months as soon as the child is able to perceive themselves to be an individual separate from its parents. There is no doubt that in both my first two cases the young men not only feared abandonment but experienced it.

Sadly, when we look at the Bible, some of the fathers mentioned were not good role models. Isaac and son Jacob both demonstrated favouritism to one son over other siblings with initially unpleasant results. Eli was unable to effectively discipline his sons and Samuel and David were outstanding men of God but struggled as fathers.

One of the worst examples of fatherhood was the Old Testament judge Jephthah who had just won a battle over the Ammonites, but had foolishly vowed that he would offer the first person that came to his house, as a burnt offering to Yahweh. That person was his daughter and as a result of his rash and ill-advised oath his daughter was killed.

Things do get better in the New Testament. Joseph the father of Jesus would have had to overcome shame and humiliation over the virgin birth to be an excellent role model to Jesus and his siblings. I think Zebedee and Zechariah seem also to have been quality fathers.

However, the passage I want to use to show the qualities of a good father relates to the father figure in the Prodigal Son – a Parable that Jesus told. We read the Parable in Luke Chapter 15: 11-32…

The Parable of the Lost Son

¹¹ Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. ¹² The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.

¹³ “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. ¹⁴ After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. ¹⁵ So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. ¹⁶ He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

¹⁷ “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! ¹⁸ I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. ¹⁹ I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ ²⁰ So he got up and went to his father.

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

²¹ “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

²² “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. ²³ Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. ²⁴ For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.

²⁵ “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. ²⁶ So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. ²⁷ ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’

²⁸ “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. ²⁹ But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. ³⁰ But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’

³¹ “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. ³² But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

The plot centres on the younger son who, impatient and greedy, asks his father for his inheritance. The father allows his son to have his inheritance, but the son wastes his money, eventually becoming homeless and destitute. In the end, to his great surprise, he is welcomed back into the family by the father and a celebration is organised by the father. This parable throws the emphasis on love and redemption rather than harsh judgement.

I want to deal with three qualities of a good father as illustrated in the parable of the Prodigal Son. The first is a love that never gives up and enjoys spending quality time with his son. The second is the patience of a father and the third is the emotional vulnerability of a father.

Let us first examine love. Think of the son finding his way back to his father’s home after undergoing a lot of self-imposed hardships and suffering and is finally giving up on life. However, his father has not given up on him and welcomed him back to his home with open arms.

Life is not always smooth sailing. It can be challenging and lead one to feel like giving up. But a good father, no matter how daunting the fathering task seems, never gives up on his son or daughter. It is also comforting to know that our heavenly father is always with you every step of the way. To be an effective father you have love that never gives up for your children.

Ultimately love is everything to a relationship.  I have been given worth and value by my spiritual father as Jesus’s life, death and resurrection was an act of love to each and every individual. This love is not forced upon us and it is up to us to accept it.

When we love something it is of value to us, and when something is of value to us we spend time with it, time enjoying it and time taking care of it. Think of a person with their beloved rose garden and the time spent pruning and mulching and fertilizing and studying it. So it is when we love children, we spend time admiring them and caring for them. We give them our time. The time and the quality of the time that parents devote to them indicate to children the degree to which they are valued by their parents.

The feeling of being valuable is essential to mental health and is a cornerstone of self-discipline. It is a direct product of parental love. It is important that such a conviction is gained in childhood as it is much more difficult to acquire during adulthood. On the other hand, when adults have learned through the love of their parents to feel valuable, it is almost impossible for the challenges of adulthood to destroy their spirit.

To be an effective father we must love our children. We have a love for them that will never give up on them. We have a love for them that is expressed in spending quality time with them. We have a love for our children that empowers them to feel valuable and allows them to move into adulthood with confidence knowing they are loved.  

The second quality of being an effective father is to be patient. In the Prodigal Son parable, the boy had been gone a long time, long enough for a famine to ravish the land, yet the father waited patiently. Patience is a virtue all Christians should possess but it is certainly necessary in our homes. We need to learn to be patient with our children, knowing that they have many life lessons to learn. We must realise that children are not miniature adults. Too many children and young people grow up too fast. Many of these life lessons must be learned the hard way. We cannot learn the lessons for them. The prodigal son had to learn some hard lessons and the father allowed it. We, as fathers, must learn patience.

To be an effective father we must love our children and spend quality time with them never giving up on them. To be an effective father we must be patient with our children.

To be an effective father we must show emotional vulnerability. Dads serve as role models by working to be their best selves and allowing their children to see their imperfections. Dads should also demonstrate loving predictability, consistent discipline and unconditional acceptance as is evidenced in the Prodigal Son. One of the most important things I have learned as a dad is to be emotionally available to my sons. They have seen me emotionally vulnerable and I believe that has been important to my sons. It is important to let your children know that you are human. Think how healing for the Prodigal Son was the joyful show of emotions from his father when he returned.

Finally, the father in the Prodigal Son had his priorities in the right place: The most important thing was not that his son had sinned, nor that he wasted his inheritance. Neither was it crucial that he had caused his father untold grief. The most important thing was that his son was home. Material things can be replaced, sorrows can be forgotten and sins can be forgiven, but a soul lost can never be restored.

In the Prodigal Son parable I have always struggled with the question- Was God a good father to the older brother? I would like to address this now as I do believe the Father is a good model in the way he relates to the older son in the Parable.

A number of biblical commentators believe that the oldest son illustrates the Pharisees and the scribes. Outwardly they lived blameless lives but their attitudes were abominable.

In those times, one of the duties of the eldest son would have included reconciliation between the father and his son. The older son would have been the host at the feast to celebrate his brother’s return. Yet he remains in the field instead of in the house where he should have been. This act alone would have brought public disgrace upon the father. Still, the father, with great patience, goes to his angry and hurting son. He does not rebuke the older son, as his actions and disrespectful address of his father warrant.  The father’s compassion does not cease as he listens to his eldest son’s complaints and criticisms. The older son refers to the prodigal son as “this son of yours”. In doing so he avoids acknowledging that the prodigal son is his own bother.

The older brother’s focus was on himself and as a result there is no joy in his brother’s arrival home. He is so consumed with issues of justice and equity that he fails to see the value of his brother’s repentance and return. The older brother allows anger to take root in his heart to the point that he is unable to show compassion towards his bother, and, for that matter he is unable to forgive the perceived sin of his father against him.

The wise father remains consistent throughout and seeks to bring restoration by pointing out that all he is and has will always be available for the elder obedient son.

The father is a good role model to both his prodigal son, as he is to the older son.

Let us compare the father with the older son. The father does not first rush to the servant’s quarters to physically punish his boy and satisfy his wrath before he forgives his wayward son. No. In the story of the prodigal son, the father bears the loss and forgives his son from his treasury of inexhaustible love. He just forgives. There is no payment, there is no appeasement. Justice as punishment is what the resentful brother called justice. Justice as reconciliation is what the loving father called justice. The only anger we find in the parable belongs to the Pharisee-like brother, not the God-like father.

We must love our children and never give up. We must be patient with them and we must be emotionally vulnerable. How well that is modelled by God who is the father of the Prodigal son in this poignant parable.

This is a challenge to all of us who are fathers, mothers and role models in whatever area of life we choose.

Questions for discussion or reflection:

What stands out for you in reading this Scripture and/or in listening to the sermon? Why do you think this stood out to you?

• Find a picture of Rembrandt’s painting, ‘The return of the Prodigal Son’ and take some time to reflect on it. What do you notice? What meaning to do see in the painting?

• What are some of the things children need from their parents?

• Can you think of some good parenting examples from the Bible? Why were these people good parents?

• Thinking of your own parents, what did they do well? What do you appreciate about your parents now that you are an adult?

• Discuss / reflect on the parenting style of the father in Luke 15.

• Who do you identify with most in the parable of the prodigal son? The younger son, the older son or the father? Why?